Transgender Fun?

 

Photo from the 
Jessie Hart Collection

I am sure there has been a transphobic individual (or several) who have suggested being transgender is some sort of a phase or worse yet is pursued as some sort of a fun pastime. Perhaps for a brief time when I considered myself a serious cross dresser, the times I was able to pull out my feminine wardrobe and briefly tried to enter my dream world of being a girl/woman I was having fun too.  The problem was in a very short period of time (a matter of days) I would be back to resenting the male world I was being forced to live in. 

In those days, so called fun was difficult to come by. Perhaps a few of the Halloween adventures I managed to find fun, after I calmed down and was able to live just a moment of my true reality. In the moment it was fun to listen to the compliments I received on my pretty legs or "costume".  Again, all of the fun turned to frustration as I looked ahead to another year of hiding out in my gender closet before I could test my appearance in public. I couldn't comprehend how I could wait one more year until another Halloween rolled around. 

As the years went by and I began to understand more completely my total gender dysphoria, the more I understood the true complexity of the issues facing me. I was heavily influenced by the new friends I met when I was able to free myself up to attend special small mixers in nearby Columbus, Ohio. More precisely I was able to meet levels of people who spanned the gender spectrum from transvestite "admirers" dressed in their male clothes all the way to transsexuals who were preparing themselves for sex change surgery, as it was called back in those days. In many ways, as I explored where I fit in, I found I glimpsed my future. Examples included the rare times a few lesbians attended and I was attracted to them and a couple of times they were attracted to me. As well as the night I was put in a compromising position when a huge admirer made advances on me in a hallway. To my chagrin, my second wife had to bail me out of the situation. Sadly, what I never had a chance to do was communicate with a couple of the transsexual women I knew after their surgery to learn how life was treating them. Basically they followed the path of trying to disappear and restart their lives totally and I lost touch.

If all this learning was fun, then I had my share. I basically learned truths about myself which took any light heartedness out of my developing gender closet. I found my entire being was being questioned and I felt more natural as a transgender woman. After the term was invented and I was able to read up on it on the internet. Through it all, I still couldn't see myself as a total candidate for gender surgery as I still had too much to lose as my male self. Those days were certainly no fun as I continued to explore my femininity while at the same time trying to maintain a life as a macho male. The gender ripping and tearing nearly killed me. Thankfully I was able to replace fun with satisfaction on the days I was able to go out in the world and live a life without problems as a transgender woman. 

I would point out to all the transphobes who say somehow the entire transgender lifestyle is lived with any sort of trying to achieve fun, they are sadly mistaken. But, lives can be lived to achieve a high level of satisfaction when a high level of inner femininity is reached and a wonderful new lifestyle is found. 

Climbing the Gender Ladder

Image from Armand Khoury
on UnSplash

As I always point out, changing genders is an incredibly difficult and intricate task. For those of us who struggled for years just to fit in as part of the male world, undoing it all and joining the feminine side seems to be insane. Who would do that? Of course being a transgender woman or man, you would know the answer. We had no choice . All of it makes the thought pattern ridiculous to think we made a conscious choice to give up one life to transition to another. Again, we made the choice but often the decision involved a life or death situation. Which is what happened to me.  "JoannaS" recently commented on a similar idea I would like to share:

"What you are describing is incredibly common for a trans person as they advance into their identity. The focus on externals drops off and the internals become far more important. You have passed that awkward stage which is akin to another puberty and stabilize into every day living"

 Thanks for the comment! Looking back I think my advancement through another puberty and the stabilization process into living as a transgender woman was similar to climbing a ladder, then jumping off. At first it was difficult to shed all my male weight I was carrying around. Literally I took weight off to look better in my clothes and figuratively I had all the ingrained male responses to society I had picked up over my many years of living. An example would be I needed to replace the perpetual male scowl I had perfected to keep people away and replace it with a more feminine softer look. After all, the last thing I wanted to do was to have people think I was grumpy and/or unreachable. 

Through the process, as I climbed higher and higher on my new gender ladder, the more I understood again how I was afraid of heights. What would become of my life if I left all of my old male self behind and all the privileges I had accumulated. As, as Joanna said, when I finally was able to pass through another puberty, my thought processes cleared out and began to see what privileges a feminine life could offer me. The main benefit or privilege was I could feel natural in the world. Especially following beginning hormone replacement therapy, my universe went through a very real and welcoming softening. Sure my outward appearance softened with my skin but my inward feelings became more understanding to others around me as the effects of testosterone went away. 

What I couldn't understand was  why my male self was still fighting so hard to still hang around and control part of my life. The farther up I climbed along with my increasing ability to exist and communicate with my new world, still, there he was still tagging along. I needed to fight constantly to not dress for him but to blend in with the world was one example of many. Finally I climbed too high and was able to see my new feminine gender world for the wonderful future it offered. I just needed the courage to jump. What was left of my male self was telling me the landing would be a rough one and even result in a disaster. At the same time my suddenly stronger inner woman, emboldened by all her recent successes was pushing me to take the final leap of faith and jump.

You all know the rest of the story. I did summon up all the courage I could to live my life as a full time transgender woman. What I didn't realize how many new found women friends I had to help me into their world. It made me wonder again and again why I waited so long to jump off my gender ladder. 

Writing Your Own Script

Image from Brad Starky on
UnSplash

 It could be argued very few human beings ever have the chance to end one part of their life and start over legally without doing something completely wrong. As a transgender person, woman or man, we are blessed with the opportunity to do so.

Years ago, during our eleven year build up to becoming a married couple, my wife Liz said to me one day I had the chance to build a new person and what exactly would they be. Initially,  Liz referred to just my outwardly feminine appearance. Would I be a girly girl wearing makeup and dresses all the time or would I be a more "normal" woman in her mind who dresses up for mostly just special occasions.  At the time I had to consider what she was asking. Most certainly she was right in I had the chance to finally live my dream to live as a full time transgender woman. Little did I know then how many new changes or transitions I was in store for. 

The main one came when I threw out or donated all my old male clothes. I decided when I did, I formally made the transition from serious cross dresser or transvestite to a new transgender woman. Just going from occasionally changing my appearance  to living it was a huge change. When I did it, I knew gender play time was over and among other things, it was time for me to consider contacting a doctor and checking out if I was qualified to begin hormone replacement therapy.  At that time, changes to my life began to come at me too quickly on occasion. I did of course locate a doctor in suburban Dayton, Ohio who gave me a physical (which I passed) gave me quick advice on how my hair would grow as my sexual urges went away and basically sent me on my way with my introductory prescriptions to minimum dosage estradiol and testosterone blockers. Timing turned out to be everything when Liz and I got together for a New Years Eve date and I took the first dosages and started my future as a happy secure transgender woman. Before it all could happen, many changes would have to happen first.

The first major change was my hair did grow as fast as my breasts and I was able to stop wearing wigs for the first time in my life. I was so fortunate in that no male patterned baldness ran in the family. My biggest problem was being able to see the back of my head in the mirror so I could see how my hair looked since I couldn't fall back on simply turning the wig head anymore. Ironically, the rest of my feminization process was happening faster than I anticipated. With my budding breasts and softer skin, I started to appear very androgynous suddenly. I was pushed along into a world I wanted to be part of but was still terrified to join and write my own script.

As I began to dress as a woman daily, the desire to spend an inordinate amount of time on makeup and frilly clothes went away. Right or wrong, I began to fall back to the "every woman" casual look of jeans (or jean skirts) loose flowing tops to hide my thick torso and flat shoes for comfort. Liz's initial question was answered, I was certainly not a "girly-girl". It turned out, my fashion sense was going to be the least of my problems when I transitioned into a woman's world. All of a sudden, I had to exist the best I could in male dominated spaces such as auto shops and even car junk yards. I had quite the upbringing. Communication still was my biggest problem to conquer. 

Even though I tried my best to ignore men, they still make up a sizeable portion of the population which I needed to deal with. I don't think I have ever totally overcome all of my communication fears but I have been able to at least face them. 

Writing your own script for the second time in life can be a terrifying yet exciting experience. One most humans never have the opportunity to attempt. Very few can say they threw out the bad and brought in the good when they had the chance to live a life they often just dreamed of.