The Future Transgender "A" Listers

 Back in the day when I was first exploring my public feminine self, I learned the hard way there were many cliques, even hierarchies in the new transvestite community I was witnessing. First I think I learned that although the group was supposed to be exclusively heterosexual, it clearly wasn't the case. Even though nothing sexual was flaunted in public there was plenty going on behind the hotel's closed doors. particularly among the group I called the "A "Listers.  

Photo from the Jessie Hart
Archives

To me the "A's" were the impossibly feminine attendees. Other groups included the cross dressers who were trying desperately to maintain what was left of their masculinity even though they were trying their best to be feminine too. Then there were the rest of us. While I did my best to look the best I could, I also found myself to be an observer on the highest level. The reason was because I was still so confused on several issues which were dominating my life. At the time, I had no idea if how far I could go as an aspiring transvestite or even if I wanted to go farther at all. Then there was the pesky sexuality question. Little did I know, I would face years of self searching and practical experience before I would come up with any solid answers. 

Even though I didn't fit in with the "A's" appearance or personality wise, I found they could offer me a unique way of seeing the world as a feminine person. One way was even though this was before the transgender term was even invented, the "A's", clearly were a step above most of the other cross dressers who came to the transvestite mixer. However not all of the steps were positive ones. All too often they formed a clique not unlike the prettiest girls in a high school. Regardless, what appealed to me about the clique was they would go out into the world to select gay venues after the mixer was over. I didn't care what they thought of me, I just wanted to get out and explore the world to learn if I could make it as my authentic self. I took advantage to the fullest and even ended up achieving a great result one night after a meeting which included a free makeover to anyone who wanted one. I gathered up all my courage and went for it and was rewarded for an invite to go out with the "A's" to party. 

During our night out, I was further rewarded with a guy coming up to me in a bar we went to who wanted me to sit with him or play pinball. The group was amazed when I was picked up and none of them were. Mainly because I was in a different city than I was used to, I decided not to stay and went back to the hotel with the group. Plus, I didn't know how much the guy who approached me knew of my not so little gender secret. 

In the years following my earliest adventures at the mixers, I actually became a regular acquaintance of a couple of the "A's". One of which I even attended regular parties at her house in Columbus, Ohio. I knew that her as well as the best of group (appearance wise) went on to undergo genital realignment surgeries. Unfortunately, I lost contact with them after that. 

All in all, I learned quite a bit from being an hanger on to the group. I was torn because I badly wanted to look like them but in no way did I want to act like them. In the long run maybe I achieved both.

Hot Flashes?

 I have been on hormone replacement therapy for quite a while now. In fact, as far I can determine, I have been on HRT for nearly nine years now. All I remember from starting the hormonal trip is I started with my wife Liz at a LGBT night club in Dayton, Ohio. To make the whole affair more dramatic, I decided to wait to start on New Years Eve. 

As I said, it was a long time ago as HRT experiences go (maybe). It wasn't so long following the evening when I began to experience fairly dramatic changes on a fairly quick basis. I started to feel sensitivity in my breasts as well as noticeable growth. Very quickly I arrived at a point where I had to be very careful which shirt I was going to wear. All in all, my new and exciting feminine transition appeared to be going smoothly as I was under a doctors care. My hair was growing quickly, my skin smoothed out and my face lost some of it's masculine angles. I'm sure it helped because I was already in my sixties when I started HRT so my natural testosterone levels were already decreasing. Most likely, my biggest surprises came on my internal feelings. For the first time in my life I could cry. 

Another surprise in my new feminine puberty came when I experienced my first major hot flash. I remember sitting at a venue enjoying a drink when all of a sudden I felt as if I was burning up from the inside out. I was so self conscious at that point, I felt everybody was going to be staring at me. Even more so since I was already ultra aware of my surroundings since I was the only single woman at the bar. In a relatively short period of time, my hot flash went away and I returned to my state of normal. Whatever that was. The longer I was on hormones my body settled in on my new puberty my body adjusted and my hot flashes more or less went away. Until this morning it seems.

I have been on a twice a week patch dosage of Estradiol for years now. The only change comes when the brand name of the patches differs because of pharmacy availability. The only other constant I have is how well the patches stick on to my skin. At certain times of the year I have more trouble than others getting them to stick because of temperature and humidity. Through it all, every now and then I do notice more fullness in my breasts and even more so my more sudden development  in my hips. I really have a small feminine hips now.

The reason for this blog post however is wondering why I had a major hot flash this morning. All I know is either I did an extra good job of attaching my patches yesterday or somehow I attached patches which had a slightly higher dosage. As I said, I apply my patches twice a week, so I will have plenty of time to monitor future results. It makes more sense now why some mornings I have a red face when I get up and look at myself in the mirror. Just not as major as this morning. 

I never thought my feminine puberty journey would resume again at my age. My endocrinologist visit is coming up in three months so if the hot flashes continue I might mention them to her. Whatever the case, I really don't want to have my hormone dosages decreased because I enjoy the results so much. 

Benefits of Crossing the Transgender Divide

Quite often it seems our journey across the gender divide is perceived  as only being a negative experience. Equally as often, our early coming out experiences add to our overall thoughts about breaking out of our dark gender closets. Every time we are completely rejected by the public, it reinforces the negative ideas we may have had which led to the many purges we went through of all of our feminine possessions. 

Jessie Hart in the Ohio State
Student Union

Still we endured as we walked down a lonely path to gender discovery. So much frustration and even tears led us to risk much if not all of our lives. For the fortunate ones, we were blessed with enough gender euphoria to move forward. For each time we were rejected and belittled for showing off our feminine selves, there was another time we were embraced by someone else in the public's eye. The best part was, gender euphoria felt so natural. So much so if I could sing, I would have since I felt that good. 

Looking back, I think the first time I felt the benefits of spending time on both sides of the binary gender fence was when cis women began to ask me for advice on how to understand their husbands, Even though I did my best to help them, I still had to explain (regardless what they thought) most all men were not all alike. The majority of their problems came from communication. It wasn't so much that men didn't listen, it was more as if the men just didn't comprehend what women were saying. An important part of my learning process came when I realized women did communicate vastly different than men. I learned the hard way to look for non verbal cues when talking with another woman.  Before I was allowed to play in the woman's sandbox I suffered many claw marks and back wounds before I learned how to play. 

All in all, my gender wounds were worth it because once I gained access to the sandbox, I didn't ever want to go back. I see the process now as a real benefit in my life. How many other humans can say they experienced such a deep process as living a life experiencing both sides of the gender divide. A recent experience which could have caused me to be mis-gendered at the VA may have been caused by how I answered a question by one of the nurses. She asked me who my driver was after my colonoscopy . I said my wife when maybe a better term to use would have been partner or spouse. I am a believer in how the smallest details can help me get along in the world. 

Even though I had to give up so much of a male life I never really wanted, the work of learning the feminine gender was a work of pleasure because mainly I felt so natural. The topic for an entire other blog post. 

Now I am happy to say I have made it to a place of gender understanding. However, I think I am far from knowing it all. I don't think I will ever know why I was chosen for this gender journey. Hopefully when I pass on, I will find out the answer.