Pushing too Hard

Jean Skirt Look
Back in the day

Over the many years I spent trying to find my way into a feminine world, often I was guilty of pushing too hard. A primary example was when for once I was able to put my cross dressing act all together. In other words I was able to walk without falling in sidewalk cracks plus I felt my makeup, outfit and hair all looked as good as possible. I felt good and the whole experience was a positive one. 

The next time I went out I thought I would build on the last experience but didn't quite do it. In those days I was still validating my life as a cross dresser or transvestite by what men thought of me. It wasn't until much later when I learned it was so much more important to me to be judged and validated by other women around me. So, to make a long story short, I went overboard in my dress, makeup and especially hair. The end result was similar to a matador waving a red cape at a bull. I stood out like a sore thumb wherever I went. In addition, many times I was thrown back to square one and had to start all over with how I dressed myself. 

It took awhile of tough loving my feminine self but I finally learned all my trashy outfits and crazy wigs weren't working, I finally settled into a more or less everyday persona of who I would eventually become on an everyday basis. I substituted too short and tight mini skirts for more proper yet flattering jean skirts and I used flowing fun blouses/tops to help disguise my all too hated male figure. In essence I ended up killing two birds with one stone. My appearance was still on the cutting edge of having fun without going so far I was attracting unwanted attention.

Also around that time was when I quit pushing so hard and began to relax on most fronts. Now I could pay more attention in rounding out more of my total self. The way I moved, the way I talked began to come together, From then on pushing harder was out and a new confidence was in. I even settled on the same wig which I nearly wore out. 

Through it all though I don't want to give the idea that anything was a pushover when it came to my gender transition. It was just like I could start on starting on settling more of the more mundane problems I was experiencing. One of which was not so mundane was using the women's restroom which is a topic I revisit fairly often in my posts. It is no secret I like to drink beer and beer doesn't stay with you long so I had to use the women's room frequently. Often it was the ultimate answer to how I was presenting as a transgender woman. I found in many venues other patrons would draw the line and complain if I needed to pee. Having the cops called on me was a decidedly unpleasant experience

Another small thing I did to try to normalize being a single woman in a hetero bar was to use my cell phone as a prop. I would sit down, order and act like I was texting someone else to join me. As you can tell I was trying every little thing I could to make it in feminine world and earn my right to play in the girl's sandbox.

When I quit pushing so hard, the easier it became. 
      

Girls Night Out

Girls Night Out #1 
I am on the left.

As I was first attempting to survive in the feminine world without the "Ha-Ha" moments Connie mentioned in a recent comment on my :Ah-Ha" post, I craved any opportunity I had to join a women's night out. In a relatively short period of time I was fortunate and was invited to four, One of which was even a bachelorette party which sadly was cancelled. Two of the remaining invites were with a group of cis women friends I became close to until similar to many women they got married and moved away from the group. Children were involved also.

Perhaps the most exciting was my first invite because I had no idea of what to expect seeing as how there were going to be a couple other women attending who I didn't know. How would they accept a transgender woman? The answer was one didn't seem to care and the other rejected me quickly.  

My first issue was what to wear of course. I wanted to appear as attractive as I could without over-dressing the other women. As you can see in the picture, I think I achieved the desired effect. My second issue was what would the conversation be when no men were present and again how would I fit in. The whole process (per norm) turned out to be just a whole lot of worry about nothing. Most of the conversation dealt with family and children so I just inserted my daughter's examples when I could. During the space of the evening I even forgot to worry about my voice. Everything must have worked out fine because shortly after the first night out, I was invited to another before I moved away with Liz to Cincinnati.

Perhaps the most surprising girl's night out occurred when I was invited by a group of servers from one of the venues I was going to on a regular basis to join them for a get together at another trendy venue. I was terrified when I said yes. How would I react to going with a group of younger, more attractive women to a venue I had only been to a couple of times. This time there wasn't much conversation because of the amount of guys the rest of the group attracted. It turned out to be like I was almost invisible as the night went on. Lesson learned.

As far as other lessons learned, I discovered no new earth shattering gender secrets when women gather.  Naturally, it was no big surprise when the younger women I was with got their flirt on with men and forgot about the group all together. Even though all of that happened I was pleased I survived the evening without doing anything gender ignorant.

Overall, all of the girls nights out I was invited to were fun and learning experiences. I was happy to accept the invitation. 

  

A-Ha Moments

Beaded Trans Hair Piece by
Liz T Designs 

 This is an extension of several recent posts I have written about  my gender transition but few of them were about a-ha moments along the way. I guess you could call them rare moments of gender euphoria before I ever thought of such a phrase which I of course didn't invent. 

The first a-ha moment I had was early in life when I realized dressing up as a girl wasn't enough. Being a girl was the best idea. There was no way I could know this was the first indication I was transgender and not a cross dresser. 

Fast forward several years of gender struggle, my next moments of gender euphoria could all be wrapped up in all the Halloween parties I went to. Through them all I learned the power of dressing as a woman was real and I loved it all. Especially the parties when I was mistaken for a well dressed woman not in costume. More on those parties when I spotlight Halloween in my October posts.

In essence Halloween taught me there was a chance I could pursue farther the idea of living my life in a feminine world and survive. 

Finally Halloween became just another day for me and I moved on to other a-ha moments came when I decided male dominated gay venues weren't working for me. I became quite frustrated when I was treated like a drag queen or when I was completely discriminated against for simply being myself. When I learned I could frequent large sports bars or the occasional small lesbian bar and be much happier.  Often I learned the hard way I could live in the world and play in the girls sandbox. The more I did it, the more I wanted to do to expand my knowledge of being an out transgender woman. Which in itself was a true revelation.

About this time a-ha moments came fast and furious as I learned the hard way how to exist and communicate with other women. For the second time in my life woman's fashion took a back seat to more important functions such as establishing myself as a brand new feminine person. All of the sudden I was completely immersed with communicating with the world as a transgender woman.

Perhaps the biggest a-ha moment in my transgender life came when I started hormone replacement therapy. For once I was syncing up the inner woman who I strongly felt needed to live with my external testosterone poisoned exterior self. In a short period of time, my breasts and hair grew wonderfully along with a softening of my skin and features. Perhaps most surprisingly were the changes to my emotions. I became decidedly less aggressive when dealing with world. I guess you could say HRT softened my world.

Of course there are many other a-ha moments which may come along in your life such as passing a mirror and noticing a woman looking back at you. Hopefully your positive moments out number your negative ones.