Girls Night Out

Girls Night Out #1 
I am on the left.

As I was first attempting to survive in the feminine world without the "Ha-Ha" moments Connie mentioned in a recent comment on my :Ah-Ha" post, I craved any opportunity I had to join a women's night out. In a relatively short period of time I was fortunate and was invited to four, One of which was even a bachelorette party which sadly was cancelled. Two of the remaining invites were with a group of cis women friends I became close to until similar to many women they got married and moved away from the group. Children were involved also.

Perhaps the most exciting was my first invite because I had no idea of what to expect seeing as how there were going to be a couple other women attending who I didn't know. How would they accept a transgender woman? The answer was one didn't seem to care and the other rejected me quickly.  

My first issue was what to wear of course. I wanted to appear as attractive as I could without over-dressing the other women. As you can see in the picture, I think I achieved the desired effect. My second issue was what would the conversation be when no men were present and again how would I fit in. The whole process (per norm) turned out to be just a whole lot of worry about nothing. Most of the conversation dealt with family and children so I just inserted my daughter's examples when I could. During the space of the evening I even forgot to worry about my voice. Everything must have worked out fine because shortly after the first night out, I was invited to another before I moved away with Liz to Cincinnati.

Perhaps the most surprising girl's night out occurred when I was invited by a group of servers from one of the venues I was going to on a regular basis to join them for a get together at another trendy venue. I was terrified when I said yes. How would I react to going with a group of younger, more attractive women to a venue I had only been to a couple of times. This time there wasn't much conversation because of the amount of guys the rest of the group attracted. It turned out to be like I was almost invisible as the night went on. Lesson learned.

As far as other lessons learned, I discovered no new earth shattering gender secrets when women gather.  Naturally, it was no big surprise when the younger women I was with got their flirt on with men and forgot about the group all together. Even though all of that happened I was pleased I survived the evening without doing anything gender ignorant.

Overall, all of the girls nights out I was invited to were fun and learning experiences. I was happy to accept the invitation. 

  

A-Ha Moments

Beaded Trans Hair Piece by
Liz T Designs 

 This is an extension of several recent posts I have written about  my gender transition but few of them were about a-ha moments along the way. I guess you could call them rare moments of gender euphoria before I ever thought of such a phrase which I of course didn't invent. 

The first a-ha moment I had was early in life when I realized dressing up as a girl wasn't enough. Being a girl was the best idea. There was no way I could know this was the first indication I was transgender and not a cross dresser. 

Fast forward several years of gender struggle, my next moments of gender euphoria could all be wrapped up in all the Halloween parties I went to. Through them all I learned the power of dressing as a woman was real and I loved it all. Especially the parties when I was mistaken for a well dressed woman not in costume. More on those parties when I spotlight Halloween in my October posts.

In essence Halloween taught me there was a chance I could pursue farther the idea of living my life in a feminine world and survive. 

Finally Halloween became just another day for me and I moved on to other a-ha moments came when I decided male dominated gay venues weren't working for me. I became quite frustrated when I was treated like a drag queen or when I was completely discriminated against for simply being myself. When I learned I could frequent large sports bars or the occasional small lesbian bar and be much happier.  Often I learned the hard way I could live in the world and play in the girls sandbox. The more I did it, the more I wanted to do to expand my knowledge of being an out transgender woman. Which in itself was a true revelation.

About this time a-ha moments came fast and furious as I learned the hard way how to exist and communicate with other women. For the second time in my life woman's fashion took a back seat to more important functions such as establishing myself as a brand new feminine person. All of the sudden I was completely immersed with communicating with the world as a transgender woman.

Perhaps the biggest a-ha moment in my transgender life came when I started hormone replacement therapy. For once I was syncing up the inner woman who I strongly felt needed to live with my external testosterone poisoned exterior self. In a short period of time, my breasts and hair grew wonderfully along with a softening of my skin and features. Perhaps most surprisingly were the changes to my emotions. I became decidedly less aggressive when dealing with world. I guess you could say HRT softened my world.

Of course there are many other a-ha moments which may come along in your life such as passing a mirror and noticing a woman looking back at you. Hopefully your positive moments out number your negative ones.  

Living the Dream

 

Photo Courtesy
Jessie Hart

For so many years I lived with what I thought was the impossible dream. That dream of course was wondering if I could ever live a life as a full time transgender woman. Although for the longest time I didn't see how I was ever going to make it to my goal, slowly but surely I kept moving towards it. 

I like to say I was a serious cross dresser for fifty years of my life. During the half century I made a few strides in makeup and fashion only to find myself headed back to the cross dressing drawing board time and time again. The only positive aspect of the experiences were I tried to learn from each one. What worked and what didn't. Every positive gave me hope for the future. 

Along the way I have written concerning the gender maze I found myself in. I felt everytime I achieved one goal and turned the corner, I found another corner to deal with. Almost all with no positive intervention from any other person. Even though my wives knew of my cross dressing activities, they were rarely participants. And, if the truth be known, many times I didn't want to follow the ideas of what a woman meant to them. Even to the point of trying my best to dress to blend when and if we ever went out together as girlfriends. Examples were when my second wife and I used to journey to Columbus, Ohio to eat at a LGBT friendly restaurant. It got the point of me wearing jeans and a sweater and she (my wife) still didn't like the way I looked. Deep down I knew I was struggling to find my feminine identity and I stayed on course with what I wanted to wear. 

Slowly but so uncertainly my small successes added up and my dream of living full time became more than a distant reality. After the fewer and fewer setbacks I had, I righted the gender ship and realized yet again how natural my feminine side felt. When I went out as a novice transgender woman I felt the world was in the right place and I even went as far as feeling out of place when I went out as a guy. 

Finally even I could not deny it any longer, I was meant to live as a transgender woman. I started hormone replacement therapy and started to transition my exterior as close as I could to match my feminine soul. It all worked so well and I was left no alternative to living my dream. The hormones fueled the fire which burnt my final bridge back to any male life I had left. 

After I made the commitment to giving away all of my male clothes, a new voice inside of me was asking what took so long. My only answer was I was stubborn and wanted to hang on to whatever white male privilege as long as I could. Most certainly giving it all up was one of the best decisions I ever made.

My biggest lesson from my lifetime of experience is, not trying at all is the biggest disaster.