Throughout the years often I wished I could have followed the path of nearly everyone I knew. Costumes were for fun or creativity. Not as serious as mine were. Then there were all the years due to work situations I couldn't wear a "costume" at all.
All of that is in the past now. Looking back at it all, I was fortunate enough to be able to live most all of my Halloween fantasies.
On this Halloween, I hope you have too!
Recently I wrote a post concerning the reactions from my past two wives when they were confronted with my gender issues. I left my current partner Liz out because by her own admission she has always viewed me as a woman.
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| Photo source: Cyrsti Hart |
All of that changed with my second wife who I was destined to be with for twenty five years before her death from heart problems at the age of fifty. She was as stubborn as I was and we became embroiled on numerous occasions. All of which were caused by me wanting to go further and further towards living full time as a woman.
Several times I remember vividly.
The first (of many) occurred when we lived just Northeast of Marietta, Ohio. It was a time of my life when I was really starting to find success going out and experiencing life as a feminine person. To "manufacture" more reasons to go out when she wasn't home, I began to do things like the grocery shopping. When I did it, I slowly expanded into doing other kinds of shopping too. All of it worked well until I accidently ran directly into my wife's boss in a store parking lot. I thought I succeeded in passing him until nearly a week later I heard the infamous comment about him seeing a large red head when he went to the store. It just so happened I had and wore a red wig at that time. Of course I denied all knowledge. It turned out it didn't matter anyhow. She caught me cross dressed in public and the giant fight which came later led me to my first sessions with a gender therapist.
It turned out, the visits with therapist just put off the inevitable, I still continued to slide towards living full time as a transgender woman.
The second of many fights I can remember came after one of my most successful cross dressed outings I can remember. I have written about it here in Cyrsti's Condo many times. It was the night I went alone without my wife to a transvestite "mixer" when we lived in the NYC metro area. Two women sat at the door and were going to deny me entrance because "No real women were allowed." Of course in those days all I had to validate me as a woman was my appearance and I went on a giant ego rush. All of it made me impossible to live with and my second wife and I ended up in a huge fight.
During the fight she said what quite possibly were the most profound I heard in my entire life, "You make a terrible woman." I was taken aback because the night before I had been mistaken for a woman. Then she went on to say she wasn't talking about how I looked. There was a deeper meaning I hadn't even considered and wouldn't until I actually started to seriously transition.
Without going deeper into the whole process now, I learned the nuances of gender communication and privilege when I began to live as a woman.
It's easy to say now but she was right. I did make a terrible woman. However I did take the opportunity to rebuild my life in a feminine world. A world which was dramatically more layered and pleasurable than the male world I had known.
The wait was worth it. I'm not so sure the cost to my soul and to others around me was. My cross dressed man did make me miserable and unfortunately I made others around me miserable too.
Recently I have been writing several posts concerning the interaction between my Halloween adventures and the interactions with my wives (at separate times.)
First of all I had experience with two wives for the stories. The first was much more accepting than the second but both knew about my cross dressing urges before we became married. The problem became more prevalent as I slipped further and further into the realization I was much more than a cross dresser. I wanted to follow the natural urges I was feeling to shove my male self into the closet and live full time as my authentic self.
My second wife used the well worn phrase, she didn't sign up to be in a relationship with another woman. Plus, a few other phrases I will save for another post.
What happens to the spouse when that happens? Back in the day, I used to take a look at a few blogs which dealt with women who were immersed in relationships with their husbands who suddenly told them they were transgender. Needless to say, the reactions I read from the wives were not positive. Even I was shocked.
I think what we all miss during our Mtf transitions is that cis women have egos also. In many cases a husband figures prominently into her ego. Or, what she did wrong to "drive" her husband into the feminine camp.
As far as I am concerned, I don't know how I would feel if the shoe was on the other foot and my spouse wanted to complete the difficult journey to another gender. I just know it would be very difficult.
I can understand too how a transgender path could be considered the ultimate in being selfish. After all it is an all encompassing desire to make it to the other side of the gender divide. What happens to a families life, jobs and kids when it happens? It's so difficult to help another person to understand there is really no choice when you are considering crossing the gender frontier. It is so much more than just dressing as part of the opposite gender. It is life or death.
So, my heart goes out to all the understanding spouses I have been reading about recently. Or even the ones who begrudgingly have come to accept and stay with with their former husbands or wives. Of course the internet has helped with all of that. Positive information abounds on how couples in love have survived their gender journey together.
Taking my local scene as an example. the transgender - cross dresser support group I am part of has recently featured several couples who are successfully staying together. As I wrote, all my positive thoughts go out to the spouses who made it happen.
Equal time! Good job!
Sarah McBride is running for the United States House of Representatives from the state of Delaware. Sarah grew up in Wilmington, and current...
