Back in my "Howling" Days

 I still love Paula's comment about how many of us novice transgender women go through an early phase when we could be referred to as "Howlers." Referring of course to fashion mistakes which usually are related to trying to dress as a teen aged girl when we are much older. Connie then added "Growlers" (seen below) to the post in a comment.

Back in the day, I was guilty of abusing both. I cringe now when I think back of a few of the ridiculous outfits I managed to put together and then go out in public. Then, to add insult to injury, I would try to find "liquid courage" by drinking mega amounts of beer along with the occasional shot. 

Both of which I was recently reminded of when an old acquaintance of mine's birthday showed up on Facebook. What happened was one of the venues I was going to I thought was safely out of my home town enough to hide my gender secret. In fact, it was a big sports bar and one of the first places I went to and began to establish my own feminine persona.   

I increasingly felt secure in going there until one day when I walked in, sat down and was immediately surprised by the person I knew so well. It turns out she was training to be a bartender there. For awhile she played it cool and never said anything so I wondered if she even knew, until one day she said "Don't I know you?" Of course by then, it was too late to try to lie my way out of it and I said yes. 

Over the duration of time she worked there, I don't believe she told any of the people who happened to overlap our circle of friends about our "secret." From there, life went on and she graduated college, got married and moved away. 

My only regret is she had to witness the "Howler and Growler" period of my life as I started to explore living as a transgender woman. 

She lives many miles away now and it's doubtful I will ever see her again anyhow but it's just another part of my past which haunts me.

Another Month

 All of a sudden it seems, the first month of 2021 has come and gone. I'm not happy to report, the month of January has been more of the same. 

In fact, the only time I have been out of the house was to take one of our very sick cats to the veterinarian for help that never came. He had to to be put down sadly, as he was declining quickly. So you can tell, the trip was far from a social one.  To make matters worse, we even backed out on going on a paranormal ghost hunting trip in a nearby town in Kentucky in an old opera house. We weren't worried about the catching the "Covid" from the ghosts but didn't really trust the so called safety measures by the organizer.

I know I am fortunate in that I really don't need much feedback to reinforce my authentic gender. Even so, public feedback helps my gender dysphoria, especially if it is positive (of course.)  

The light at the end of the tunnel is the vaccine. Which for me should be available in the coming weeks. The way I am looking at getting stabbed is, in order for me to get both shots, it will at least take another two months.

To put it all in perspective, when March rolls around, Liz and I have only been out to socialize at all three times in the year gone by.

The way I look at it too, I will not take it for granted when I get to go out in the public again. 

Fiona Feng

 Meet Fiona Feng who currently lives in Ireland and is a self described "woman of transgender experience". She is one of the writers I follow on Medium.