Merry Thanksgiving

Hello again! I hope you still have a family of sorts you can enjoy Thanksgiving with. I am acutely aware of those who don't. In fact I sacrificed seeing my only brother and his extended family again after I came out as transgender to him.

I seemingly have an embarrassment of riches now. Starting with my partner Liz, my daughter, my grand kids and an ever widening group of accepting friends.

In the midst of all of this though, I still wonder why I still have a difficult time on occasion accepting what I have.

Last night was a good example. Approximately two thirty in the morning, I found myself wide awake and thinking about Thanksgiving. In addition, I have a tendency to sleep with the Hallmark cable television channel on. Somehow, I am ashamed to say a few of the movies have driven me to tears. It happened last night.

As I internally churned, I finally came to the conclusion I should do more embracing of who I am. Being weepy on occasion is just fine. Especially after the life I led before when I never cried.

Finally, I ended up going full circle back to Thanksgiving and who I have become.

Before I go though, I need to thank to Mickie, Trish and Zena who commented on the blog through Facebook! Zena brought back a few ancient memories of me showing up to a dinner at her house in heels, hose and a short skirt. Needless to say, it was many years ago! Better yet, I still was allowed to eat :).

Again, I can't say enough how much how much I appreciate all of you!

Going Out to be Alone?

Every once in while, or especially after the transgender - cross dresser support group meetings I go to, I like to reflect back to the early days when I was exploring the feminine world. Overall I was trying to figure out when and if I could live full time as a transgender woman.

Back in those days, for the most part I was having fun. These days I receive satisfaction from the rare days when I think I look my best. I know years ago when I went out, I liked to think I was going out to be alone.

Let me explain. First of all, I was still grieving the passing of my wife and close friends. I was intensely lonely but was aware any or all of my forthcoming friendships would have to revolve around me as a different gender. Not an easy thing to do.

Liz and I's vacation picture from the "Royal Gorge" train in Colorado.

So I cross dressed all up and went to several of the sports bars I used to go to before as a guy. For the most part I was successful. For awhile I was able to spend an evening in my own little world, thinking no one would notice my secret. It worked when I let nobody in.

As it turned out though, that didn't work very long. I found several people who were attracted to me as a friend regardless of my secret. Essentially, they found a way into my solitary world. Ironically, the people most interested in me were all women and I quickly bonded with them. I did have a couple dates with guys which never seemed to work.

Then I even went on several on line dating sites and found the person (Liz) I was destined to move in with and start a relationship which now is going strong at eight years.

Even at that point, I was still clutching at what remained of my guy self. He just didn't want to let go. It took my partner Liz to kick me totally out of the closet.

So now, I don't have to worry about going out to be alone anymore. I am so fortunate.

Charlie Martin

Transgender Le Mans racer Charlie Martin: