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| Image from Brooke Cagle on Unsplash. |
When I began my male to female femininization process, I needed to look around and take note of what I had to work with.
It did not take long for my notes to come back. I had very
few feminine traits to begin with as I started my long gender journey. Which
meant I was going to have to be very creative if I was ever going to make it to
my goal of possibly living fulltime as a transgender woman. To begin with, I
needed to find some way to disguise my testosterone poisoned body to present
the best I could in the public’s eye.
By beginning to look around and closely watching all the
shapes and sizes of the ciswomen I was observing, I slowly began to see the various
women who were around me and what they did to improve their appearance. Naturally,
I started to copy all of them which gave me hope that I could someday present
well enough to blend in comfortably with the public to get by. At the time,
finances were another hurdle I needed to face when I went out to shop for a new
feminine wardrobe. Since I really did not know what I was doing in the world of
fashion from styles to sizes, it did not make any sense for me to shop at any
of the high-end women’s clothing stores until I had a better sense of what I
was doing. So, I got creative and began to be a regular shopper in several of
the big thrift stores near where I lived.
In the stores, I had the freedom to shop as long as I wanted
for just the perfect addition to my wardrobe. Better yet, if I did not like it
when I got it home, I did not have to worry about returning it because I did
not spend much on the item anyway. When I began to gain the confidence to do
it, I even began to use the thrift store dressing rooms to try on a special
wardrobe item that I had picked out. Life was getting better.
Then I found that better did not mean I was reaching the end
or even the middle of my creative feminine journey. Sure, I was able to blend
in better with the public as a trans woman, but I was not getting anywhere as I
tried to communicate with those ciswomen who wanted to communicate with me. I
was woefully unprepared as somehow, I thought the world would not want to talk
to me, and I needed to catch up. To do it, I started by trying to mimic the tone
of the woman trying to talk to me. I did not have to worry about very many men
because they avoided me completely. It gave me the freedom to concentrate on
one aspect of my gender journey and that was the communication lines I needed
to form with women if I was ever going to be successful and conquer the major
hurdle I faced.
Quickly, it became evident to me that I could not conquer
the communication problem I was having talking to women alone. I was not
creative enough to recognize the true differences between cismen and women when
they talk, so I sought out professional help. Ironically, the help I got came
through the Veterans Administration and my therapist who recommended me to the
speech therapy department. I was then set up appointments with a gender speech counselor
who promptly sent me on the right path. She spent sessions with me going over
the way women talk different than men and use different words in a totally
different way. I had no idea before the sessions I took of the nuances the
genders use when they communicate. Before long I was able to build the
confidence I needed to go forth on my own. Better equipped to face the world as
a transfeminine person.
As I was building the blocks I needed to be successful in my
transition across the gender border, I still needed to be receptive to change
and be creative when it happened. For the longest time, I needed to still
remember which gender I was operating on what particular day. Which even came
down to how I interacted with my employees after I went through feminine speech
therapy. Was I talking to them like the old male self I used to be, or the new
female self I was becoming. Gender concentration was a must if I was ever going
to survive the new world I was in.
I think the worst part came when I was in the final stages
of my border crossing to the female side. I was in the last part of my male
side saying no to the entire move as well as me having my own misgivings about
giving up all the white male privileges I had gained over the years. Finally, I
needed to sit down with myself and get creative on making lists of what was
good and what was bad about what I was thinking about doing with my life. The
final drawing card came when I pulled the ace of hearts which told me how
natural I felt when I was in my unique world of womanhood. I decided there
would be no more of the self that never should have been. I was stuck in a male
box from birth, and I had spent fifty plus years being creative enough to find
a way out.
Giving into my feminine side was the best move I ever made,
and my inner self rejoiced that I had finally made the right decision as I went
back to the thrift stores. This time to return all the male clothes I did not
need anymore. Sure, it felt strange every morning to figure out what I had to wear
as a woman but I made it happen when my future wife Liz asked me what kind of a
woman, I was when it came to fashion, a girly-girl or a “tom-boy”. It turned
out, I was more of a “tom-boy” as I came to love the simplicity of my leggings
and jeans. It turned out the entire rebuilding process I was going through as a
transgender woman was just the fun part after all those years of suffering. The
best part was that I never had to second guess myself anymore. I made my
decision and never looked back.
Thank you all very much for reading along and I hope you
have the concentration to see you through your transition. Any comments are appreciated.
