Plan B

Image Courtesy 
Jessie Hart
Collection

On occasion I think my writings here on the blog make it seem as if I had too many good times and too few mentions of the dark moments I experienced.  The truth of the matter was I experienced many, many dark days when I desperately needed a "Plan B" to get by. 

In addition to desperately hiding my secret wardrobe of feminine items, I needed to figure a way to work with my collection to practice the only way I knew being a girl. All my sneaking around led me to many close calls with my slightly younger brother and my parents who unexpectedly came home early. The only positive which came from those experiences was I learned the process well of quickly removing makeup. The thought of being caught was always on my mind and often ruined the whole experience. At the time, the only ultimate "Plan B" I could ever consider was a purge of all my girl clothes and accessories and go back to the very unsavory idea of being in a male life fulltime.

Even though I managed to go through very few purges in my life, I did put myself in other various potentially devastating situations. The earliest I write about often. Those were the nights of severe fashion mistakes which  led me to scurry back to my home through teary eyes from strangers laughing or staring at me. At that point "Plan B" amounted to going back to the drawing board many times before common fashion sense kicked in. I needed to style myself to present well and then blend in with the community at large. Even though I was finally learning how to conduct myself, I found there were many other ways to prove I needed a "Plan B" to get by. Perhaps one of most embarrassing moments I went through since one of my heels became stuck in a sidewalk crack and I nearly broke an ankle was when one of the water balloons I was using as a breast form exploded in a popular sports bar I was a regular in. Back in those days I couldn't afford good silicone forms so I made the ill fated decision to fill balloons with warm water because I thought the feel approximated having real breasts.  I know you are thinking now. how did that work out for you?

How it worked out was one night I made one hell of a mess on the floor on the way to the bathroom. Luckily no one else was around and I was able to pay and leave before anyone else attributed the mess to me. I thought at the time the best excuse I could have come up with was I was pregnant and my water just broke. Other times I wasn't so lucky with being alone when I needed a "Plan B." There was the time I was wearing my new high heeled boots to my regular venue on a snowy night. After a drink or two I got up to go to the rest room and promptly slipped and fell on a wet floor under my bar stool. The bar was packed and I was very embarrassed needless to say. After I got back up, I reassured everyone I was alright and finished my restroom trip and then left. With a new found respect of dealing with wet floors in my new boots. I made it home without any further problems. 

As I remember now, most of my other embarrassments were relatively minor and I was able to learn from each one. Such as carrying extra toilet paper and/or an extra tampon in my purse. This all came because of other women surprising me with questions in restrooms mainly when their stall ran out of toilet paper or they needed an emergency feminine hygiene product. 

The moral to the story is my "Plan B" was a huge learning experience and a necessary evil, as I pursued  my path to achieving my desire to live as a full time transgender woman.  I really made many mistakes.