Time in a Bottle

 

Photo Courtesy Nickolas Horn
on UnSplash

With all due respects to Jim Croce who wrote the song "Time in a Bottle", I decided to title this post by the same name.

The bottle I am referring to is the alcoholic one. I grew up in a home where my Dad used alcohol regularly so it wasn't much of a surprise when I became of age I started to drink alcohol also. Along the way, I developed the habit of being able to hold my liquor well. If my friends and I could somehow get around the age limits to buy it. As with any other potential vices, we found ways to do it. 

By the time I got to college I was well versed in drinking with everyone else. Even if I was still underage due to Ohio's liquor laws. I guess you could say I was ahead of the curve when it came to alcohol.

Then came the military. Of course my time in basic training took me away from any drinking activities as did my time in Thailand. Due to the lack of drinkable beer. But then came the exact opposite when I was sent to Germany who really take pride in their quality beer and wines. Very quickly I acquired a taste for our locally produced beer and a few wines.

Fast forward to what any of this had to do with being transgender. As most of you probably know, alcohol often brings out the best or the worst in a person. People often become braver in many areas of their lives. Ultimately liquor enabled me the courage to first come out as a transvestite to my friends after a Halloween party. Which could have gotten me into any number of problems in the pre "Don't ask-Don't tell" era of the military. Here I was coming out in plain view to a few of my friends and risking a less than honorable discharge. All because of alcoholic infused bravery.

All of this turned out to be just the beginning. I tried to come out to my Mom after a night of drinking and was soundly rejected. But I kept trying. 

When I first started to try out the world as a feminine person, the bottle proved to play a major role in the process. When I gathered the courage to stop for lunch, I would always order a beer to steady my nerves and later give me the courage to try out new and exciting venues. Of course the further I went, the further I wanted to go. 

As I went further and further into the feminine world, I chose large sports venues and small lesbian bars as my favorite places to go. It was very difficult for me to conquer the fear of rejection I was feeling and my use of alcohol helped me. Even though it was only beer I was drinking, I was emboldened to continue. After a period of time, it was difficult for me to separate my desire to become a transgender woman with my desire to drink.

Finally I came to the point I didn't need it. About that time I had a scare concerning my liver so anymore recreational drinking was over. Without hesitation, my time in a bottle was over. Plus, I didn't need to find the courage to live the way I had always dreamed of, as a woman. I had arrived and now my alcoholic consumption is approximately two beers a month.  

From the Gender Ledge

 

Photo Courtesy
Jessie Hart

In many ways, this is an extension of yesterday's post. Along the way I mentioned and showed a photo of a guy looking over a steep ledge. My comment was I was at the ledge looking over the edge when I was considering moving away from my old cross dressing male life and moving to a full time existence as a transgender woman. 

Naturally, I was terrified of leaving behind a fairly successful life as a man with a good job, friends and family. I had to prepare myself to lose almost everything I had worked so long for. I had reached the magical moment when white males become privileged citizens by default. On the other hand, I was near retirement age so wouldn't have to worry about finding a new job as a transgender woman. On another hand, sadly, almost all of my close friends had passed away and my parents had long since passed on. All of a sudden the ledge didn't look so steep.

Still remaining were the normal everyday hurdles we face in life. I had to consider even the smallest details of life. For example, I would have to go into male dominated spaces as a transgender woman. Another aspect was how would I present myself to the world everyday. No longer would I have to stress compulsively on how I looked. Thanks to hormone replacement therapy, my whole make up routine was shortened to a point when I only needed a light application of eye make up and lipstick if and only if I was going out. I was always fortunate in that my hair grew on it's own to a point where I didn't have to wear wigs.

I won't sit here and try to tell you jumping off the ledge was easy. Often the landing was bumpy and uneven. The only words of wisdom I would have are to try to stay loose and flexible. Always assume new changes are right around the corner. Just when you thought you had everything figured out. Like when I went with Liz to get my ears pierced. She got her smile on when I protested slightly when the pain hit. For all of you considering piercing your ears don't think it is painful because it is not. I am just a huge baby when it comes to any kind of pain. 

I can't say enough how important it was to me to have formed a strong support group around me when I decided to jump off the ledge. I can't thank them enough. I was able to find them by taking the steps to put myself out in the public's eye. On the other hand, all of them were open minded enough to embrace me as a friend and as a transgender woman. They made my gender landing much softer. 

Transgender Evolution

Photo courtesy
Jessie Hart

 I am biased but I continue to view the transgender experience as human evolution. I mean how else where you are forced to cross the binary gender divide to sample how the "other half" lives. Surely it is a difficult journey but at the end of it we all have a chance to build a new/different person. Often from scratch.

We have to go through many of the same issues cis women go through on their journey to become women. Keep in mind, being female does not guarantee you will ever achieve true womanhood. Similar to males becoming men. On our journey to finding our authentic gender selves we are capable of encountering as many toxic females as males. Sadly, we don't often possess the life tools to deal with them. In my own case, I tried my best to stay away from most all males. So I never had the chance to find out if they were toxic or not. It were the females who surprised me.

As life went by it seemed I attracted the attention of far more females than males. For the most part I was accepted into the feminine world without much of a problem. On the other hand, there were plenty of times I was made to jump out of the girls sandbox and regroup. For whatever reason I was rejected, especially in a few lesbian circles. Another example was when Liz and I were minding our own business at a lesbian Valentines party when a stray female forced her way into my world asking what my "real" name was. I don't know what problem she had with me me except she was a huge transphobe looking for trouble. After me basically ignoring her, she finally went away.

Even though I had my share of unpleasant encounters and I was sent home in tears, I knew deep down, it was all a learning experience.  No one ever said life was going to be easy and I found out the hard way how true it was when I made it out of my closet and into the world as a novice transgender woman. Seemingly, destiny was on my side when I had just enough pleasant or positive experiences to keep me moving forward. Such as the night at Fridays restaurant and bar when I made the conscious decision to try to go out and exist as a woman. Not just look like one. A huge mind shift for me as I was considering moving from being a cross dresser to seeing if I could exist in a feminine world. 

Naturally I evolved with my overall skills as I transitioned. Mainly I learned to blend in and communicate with other women successfully. 

Finally I arrived at a point where it didn't make any sense to continue in a male life I was miserable in and I made the final evolution into a full time transgender woman's life. My future wife Liz said it best to me. She pointed out how rare it was for a person to have a second chance at life so do it the best you can.