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Transgender Obsession

 Over the years, I have encountered several different obsessions. The first of  which was when I was very young and was exploring my strong need to wear feminine clothing. The more I snuck around and did it, the more I wanted to do. I have written in depth about  saving my small allowance as well the money I made from a newspaper route so I could purchase my own make up and a few other items I could afford. The thrill of being able to buy my own pair of women's shoes which fit still is a vibrant memory.

Photo Credit JJ Hart

From there, I developed a complete obsession with looking like a girl. I tried every second I could to be by myself to cross dress. I even found a hollowed out tree to hide a dress and panty hose in the woods next to our house so I could be alone with my obsession. I felt practice makes perfect so I thought I was progressing fairly well in the makeup department. Of course it was only me and the mirror doing the judging so winning the judging wasn't so difficult.  We lived in a semi rural area so my range of friends was very limited. Surprisingly though, I did find one acquaintance whose Mom let him dress in her clothes and makeup but he ended up moving several states away before I could communicate my desire to participate in the cross dressing with him. 

The only thing I was having a difficult time learning was why the feelings I had after I participated in my obsession didn't last. It was years later when I finally figured out I wanted more than the pretty clothes and makeup. I wanted to actually be a girl. The difference in my mind between a cross dresser and a transgender woman. 

Of course, my early obsession didn't turn out to be the last I would experience. In fact, I almost fell victim to another persons' obsession many years later. Which I will get to in a second. Before I do, I developed a real obsession with getting out in the world and seeing how well I presented myself as a woman. These were the years I was married to my second wife. Somehow we made it through twenty five years before she passed away. I kept making promises to her I would not go out in public unless I had a motel room to get ready in. So I wouldn't risk being seen leaving the house as my feminine self. Perhaps, as you may have figured out, I couldn't stick to the plan. Which led to lies and huge fights. The hardest part of the whole obsession was me being dishonest with her. I finally was able to grow a beard and forced myself to stop everything for the last eight months of her life.

As I promised, another's person's obsession almost harmed me one night at a party my wife and I went to. I will refer to him as a transgender "admirer". Or a man who has an obsession with being with a transgender woman or cross dresser sexually. This person towered over me and outweighed me too and on the night in question, I was wearing an ultra short mini dress. Highly disapproved by my wife. As it turned out he got me cornered in a narrow hallway where I couldn't escape. For the first time in my life I felt threatened and nearly helpless. About the time I didn't know what to do my wife appeared and defused the whole situation. After the evening was over she had some unkind words for me becoming someone else's obsession. 

I guess in many ways human obsession's are different critters. In some ways they drive us forward into new frontiers and in others they can endanger us. Crossing the gender border can provide us with many opportunities to explore wonderful new adventures. We just have to be careful when we do it. 

  

Three Month Check Up

 Yesterday was my twice a month therapist virtual visit and today was my virtual check up with the VA nurse practitioner who monitors my moods and medications. Both of which of course are very important to me. As you regulars probably know, I am a Vietnam era transgender veteran receiving Veterans Administration health care. 

Way back in the day the whole process was even more important to me. The problem I thought I was going to have was persuading a psychologist my gender dysphoria was a completely different issue than the bi-polar problems I was having. One did not cause the other with me. To be fair, I have heard from other transgender acquaintances who have said once they started to transition and began hormone replacement therapy, they were able to stop taking their anti depressants all together. Good for them! But my anxiety with life's other issues as well as my mood swings were continuing. 

I was fortunate in a couple ways as I look back on my mental health care. First of all, my therapist (or psychologist)  had no problem at all separating my gender issues with my over all mental health. She followed through with setting me up with another person to monitor my meds. 

The second thing which happened was I am still with the same two people almost a decade later, which has been exceedingly rare for me when it comes to my other providers in the Veteran's Administration health care system. At least around here. I know also, care standards vary completely between different VA hospitals and/or clinics.

Being with at least two of the same providers for all those years has helped me in that I have not had to educate a new person into what a transgender patient was all about. In fact, as I remember back to the days when I was first being treated, times have really changed for the better for me. At the beginning, I was fairly certain I was the first transgender patient most of the providers had ever seen.

With the help of the two persons I have mentioned, I have been able to stabilize my moods which has helped my anxiety and moods. By helping my moods, I have been able to do away with the great majority of my thoughts of self harm.

My next round of check ups comes in April when I visit my endocrinologist. She of course prescribes the all important Estradiol and Spiro prescriptions which have gone so far into making me the outwardly feminine person which allows me to sync up with my inner female. That visit too includes stopping at the vampires for blood tests/labs. 

When I was younger, there was no way I could have predicted any of this would happen. In fact I was in many ways forced into the VA health care system when I lost nearly everything I owned. Now it seems
it was the best move I could make.