What Choice?

Every so often, I will happen upon a post when someone else thinks transgender women or trans men actually had a choice in the unique direction our lives have taken us. 

I wondered yesterday where my choices were as I waited for a mammogram. Over the years too. I wondered how I ever chose an existence which led to ridicule and rejection. After tons of introspection, I finally came to conclusion none of this was my fault, somehow I was born into being transgender. Then, as I researched further, I found our trans tribe has been around since the ancient  times and actually was looked up as being special by many native civilizations.  

Personally,  I happened upon a study of a hormonal therapy for at risk expectant mothers prescribed in the late 1940's and early 1950's. There was some sort of an idea the extra estrogen the medication put in the womb could have resulted in transgender babies. The reason I cared at all is I was born in 1949 and my Mom was an extremely high risk Mother. It all never really mattered though because she passed away and I could never connect the dots anyway.

If I had a choice at all, it would be to have back all the years and time I wasted hiding, scheming, lying and running from myself. If I had a choice I would take back all the passive and active suicide attempts I tried. 

It would have been interesting which direction my life would have taken...if I had a choice.   

Not in Kansas Anymore!

 With all apologies to all of you who actually may live in Kansas, this post concerns a few of my thoughts during my annual mammogram yesterday. It's not as if I didn't know what to expect since this was my fifth go around with a mammogram. Depending on the person giving the test, the whole process is normally a fairly quick process with minimal discomfort. 

Yesterday, as I was sitting and waiting barely covered from the waste up with a flimsy hospital gown, I had a chance to think how far I have been afforded the chance to come. Thanks to my hormone replacement therapy, my breasts have become nearly the size of the silicone breast forms I used to keep hidden in a drawer at home. For some reason, I thought of Dorothy's immortal comment from the "Wizard of Oz" movie...I was not in Kansas anymore. 

Fortunately, I didn't have too much time to think about classic movies as it was time to do my contortions with an big white machine which looked like something out of Star Wars. It whirred and clicked approximately four times to four different poses and I was done and on my way.

Equally as amazing, was the fact early this morning, I received an email from my hospital account telling me everything was fine. I am especially sensitive to the news since my grandmother passed away from breast cancer.

On the positive side too, the two booster shots I was scheduled for at the VA Monday finally have stopped bothering me. Now, I am done for awhile with all my invasive appointments.  Thank goodness!

Pin Cushion

Yesterday was another medical travel day to see my "Primary Provider' at the Veterans's Administration. I was scheduled to see her in person a couple hours after I had an on line appointment with my therapist. Too bad the appointments weren't reversed since I always have to answer questions on my moods because I am bi-polar. During my second appointment I went ahead and caught up on all the shots I needed (shingles etc.) I was a big baby and they hurt! I.m always asked if I thought about harming anyone. Maybe a little bit in this case :). At least, after the mammogram is done Wednesday this week, all my painful medical appointments will be done for awhile. Between my blood labs last week and the phlebotomy, when they took a pint of blood to control my iron, I have very much felt like a pincushion. On the bright side though, most of my tests have come back very positive. 

On a different note, Connie commented again on our transgender - cross dresser "Role Model" post. She added Monty Python and the Kids in the Hall to the list.  Who could forget Dave Foley as a hooker? Evidently I did! Thanks Connie.