You Make a Terrible Woman

This post is very much a continuation of yesterday's Cyrsti's Condo post on trans woman intuition. We have quite the chance to develop an amazing gender intuition because we live on both sides of the gender frontier.

Years ago, when I was exploring jumping genders my deceased wife and I became embroiled in a huge fight over how much I wanted to cross dress. Basically, it wasn't how much I wanted to do it, it was where. Once I had started to venture out of the house, the more I wanted to. In fact, I was still on a huge ego roll from the night two women tried to keep me out of a transvestite mixer. They thought I was a "real" woman.

During the fight, my wife shot me down by telling me I would make a terrible woman. I told her how could that be after my encounter recently? She promptly told me my appearance was not what she was talking about and I had just made her point. Being a woman was indeed so much more than looking like one.

From that point on, I set out to find out what she was telling me. I did my best to develop my own idea of what women went through as they lived their lives. You might say I was learning my own version of trans woman intuition. It wasn't easy though as I had a strong male ego to work away from.

After all these years, I can't tell you I am where I want to be in life. To be more spiritual and intuitive may make me a more stereotypical feminine person but it also makes me a better human too.

I am far from getting to my goals. Then again when I arrive I probably will have crossed over to the other side.

Hopefully then, I won't be considered a "terrible woman,"


Comments

  1. Transition is a process. The reason I had to engage in the process was that I had gotten to the point where I felt I was a fake, no matter what gender I was showing. Whether I was really an impostor or not could be debated, but I still felt that way when I would jump, back and forth, between being seen as a man or a woman. Ultimately, I chose to be seen as a feminine being who possessed some masculine traits, rather than what I had been fighting most of my life - being the man who was hiding feminine traits behind a more-macho facade. I don't think I made for a terrible man, but I never could see myself as living up to expectations of what a proper man should be.

    There's a difference between being a gentleman and being a gentle man. I was always happy to be seen as a gentleman, as even the most manly of men could be one. I was never happy when I thought people were perceiving me to be a gentle man, however, as I felt weakened by it. Had I really been secure in my manhood, though, I don't know that I would have felt that way. My gentleness has always been rooted in my femininity, so I was never going to feel secure about anything as long as I was seen as a man.

    Living as a woman for the past few years has finally brought peace, and I am happy to be seen as a woman who possesses some masculine traits. While being seeing seen as a gentle man was disturbing to me, being seen as a strong and capable woman delights me. The advantages that came with my male privilege in the past have helped me to be who I am. The difference, though, is that my transition has caused me to use a different filter - a feminine one. The intuition was always there, but I had been using the wrong filter. Sifting through everything with the proper filter has been my transition, and seeing what comes out the other side is just as it should be (even if I must continue to run much of it back through regularly).

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