Material World

 This actually was posted in 2021 in Cyrsti's Condo but is still relevant today:

And, as Madonna would say, I am a material girl. Then again, don't all of us have to be one way or another? Unless you are living off the grid and probably aren't reading this at all. 

Picture after first hair appointment
Credit: Cyrsti Hart

Actually, I am a very basic transgender woman. Give me a comfortable pair of jeans or leggings, add a tank top and tennis shoes and I am happy and secure as the transgender woman I am. Ironically as basic as I am, I still dress more femininely than my partner Liz who is a cis gender woman. Meaning she was assigned female at birth.

Backtracking a bit, when I first began to explore the feminine world in public, I was much more materialistic. All my accessories such as jewelry, purses, shoes etc. were so much more important to me. All my attention to detail worked too when I was complimented on my appearance by other women. 

All went well until I really started to transition, aided by the effect of hormone replacement therapy. One of the first changes that happened was I was fortunate and my hair really started to grow. So much so that my daughter gifted me my first visit to her upscale hair salon as a birthday present after I had come out to her. The visit remains in my mind as one of the most exciting yet scary experiences of my life as I crossed the gender frontier. Having to walk the "gauntlet" of women who had nothing else to do but to watch and judge me was amazing pressure to say the least. 

I learned too, it was a material world when all of the sudden I was paying to have someone else take care of my hair. My old twenty dollar haircuts at a barber shop were long gone. Also when I was going out, I had to learn there was a back to my head also. All those years of wearing a wig had spoiled me. Of course I could simply turn the wig around on it's stand and brush it out. 

Another of the main problems I faced as I MtF gender transitioned was the cost of trying to maintain two wardrobes. Along the way I was biased because shopping for the feminine side was so much more fun and satisfying. Once I settled into my feminine natural role and quit cross dressing as a guy, of course the costs went down.

I suppose it could be argued we all live in a material world. Transgender women may experience it all in such a unique way. which is nothing different in our overall experience. Once I decided to take the total leap of faith and transition into my authentic feminine life it was as if a giant weight had been taken of my shoulders. I was so tired of fighting my gender dysphoria. 

Finding myself in a material world was well worth it.

Across the Gender Border

 I always argue crossing the binary gender border or frontier is one of more difficult journeys a human being can attempt. In fact, it was so difficult to me, I took over fifty years to do it. 

Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

Also I always use the excuse during the early stages of my life, finding and experiencing anyone else with the same cross dressing desires as I was nearly impossible. Until the internet came along with chat rooms, information and finally the flood of social media. Even when the world began to open up did I finally begin to sense I was much more than a cross dresser. In other words, I needed to do more than look like a woman, I had to live as one too. 

Once I figured all of that out, I had to figure out how to do it. All of sudden, just being a student of the cis women I interacted with wasn't enough.  

I started my journey innocently enough by going shopping in store and malls. It took awhile for me to realize I wasn't being accepted for my new gender as much as I was being accepted for the power of my money.

Whatever the case, I learned and moved on. Looking back on the process now, I think I had plenty of opportunity to refine my feminine appearance but was scared to death to really communicate with anyone else. One of the biggest problems I had as I attempted to cross the border was learning the differences in how the genders communicated. The more in depth I went, the more I learned how true it was that Men were from Mars and Women were from Venus and where exactly did it leave me as a novice transgender woman. 

Where it left me was, knowing I possessed a unique skill of knowing what each of the binary genders was trying to say. In fact I was flattered when casual female friends would ask me for advice about their men. The process made it easier when I learned the difference between a hard no and a maybe plus the importance of non verbal and visual communication between women. It was a tremendous learning experience period in my life.

Photo by Serhat Beyazkaya on Unsplash

What made the time extra unique was everytime I thought I had arrived at the other end of the gender frontier, I still had farther to go. Then I begin to think of the entire process as climbing walls. Sometimes the walls were short and other times they seemed to be very tall. At the least, my trip through the gender border was anything but easy and is far from over.

Ironically, I feel the last wall I will have to climb will happen if I live long enough to be placed in an assisted living facility and/or nursing home.

I am very paranoid I will have to de-transition to even exist. To combat all of that, I try to stay active in any groups I can possibly join to raise awareness for senior LGBTQ people. 

Just passing to the other side may not be enough when stray bigoted individuals are trying to take away my hard earned gender status.

Fortunately I have a strong support family around me to protect me.

If You "Gotta" Go...

It turns out the Cyrsti's Condo post on using the women's rest room received plenty of reactions.

The first comes from Emily : 

"Using restrooms--confidence is the key. I forced myself to pursue crowded ladies rooms to build that confidence-not easy-takes a long time. do not be furtive as that is a dead giveaway. Emily"  

I definitely agree confidence is the real key to using the restroom. Thanks for the comment!

The second comes from Paula who writes Paula's Place Blog : 

Photo Courtesy Paula

"I have never had any incidents involving rest rooms, but I do have a couple of stories, the very first concert my band played after I transitioned we found that we had two changing rooms, one was allocated for men, the other for women, out of a blend of modesty and embarrassment I was trying to find a loo to get changed in, I must have looked a bit lost and confused because as I walked past a couple of the girls in the band lent out of the changing room grabbed me and told to come in and get changed!

The other was at the "local" of my best friend I had been going in this pub for years before my transition when of course I used the appropriate facilities, afterwards I started using the ladies rest room, nobody ever said anything to me, but I found out later that a couple of people did query this with the landlady ~ who straightened them out after all what man wants a woman trans, or not, Walking through their loo wearing heels and a dress while they're at the urinal? The next time I was in that pub the landlady bought me a drink and came and sat with us, just to shut everyone up."

What a great experience! Common sense such as your landlady showed is all too rare. And finally for this set of comments is Connie's experience:

Photo Courtesy Connie

"I've never had a real problem using the ladies room. The first night I was out in the public, I was with about eight cross dressers from the local trans social club. They decided it would be funny (my initiation?) to have the female server follow me, a few minutes later, into the ladies room and yell out, "There's a man in the ladies room!" I just ignored it, and went about my business. I was pretty sure it was a joke, but I figured it was where I belonged - no matter what anyone else might have thought. When I returned to the table, everyone was laughing at me. I gave them some time to get their yuks, and then asked if anyone there knew where my table was - the one where the ladies were sitting.

 I did have an incident during intermission at the theater, where I felt pressure (intended) to hurry in deference to the other ladies who were waiting in line. In my haste, I had tucked the back of my dress into my pantyhose. Another woman kindly, and discretely, let me know of my faux pa, and everything was just fine......until I noticed the string of toilet paper stuck to the heel of my shoe as I walked back into the lobby.

You can really find who your friends are while using the ladies room. ;-)"

I too have had the toilet paper on the shoe experience and fortunately had another kind woman point it out to me before I left the restroom. I always assumed it was a right of passage for all women.  

Pride Photo
Courtesy JJ 
Hart

One of the great restroom equalizers I have seen occurred during a pre-Covid LGBTQ Pride festival in downtown Cincinnati, Ohio.  The park where it was being held had a free standing, permanent restroom for both genders. On the day of Pride, it was discovered hornets had taken over the men's side leaving only the women's side for everyone to use.  All of a sudden everyone had to put their restroom biases aside and go to the same room. It was comical for me to see all the various personalities "mix it up" while they waited for toilet paper to be passed up and down the line. For once I had been on both ends of the restroom spectrum and didn't care.

It always amazes me how the most basic need of using the restroom stirs up so much passion.