Shrink Wrapped?

Yesterday as I mentioned before here in Cyrsti's Condo, was my monthly visit to my therapist. The session went as expected with extra emphasis on Veteran's Administration mandated surveys they are over prone on occasion to give out. The surveys basically delved into potential depression and it's results.

We also went into the Trans Ohio Symposium information I recently received and I am scheduled to present one of the first workshops on Saturday morning. I laughed I would potentially still be hung over from the attendee mixer the night before which we always attend at Columbus, Ohio's Club Diversity. Liz and I always safely Uber about the city on our pre-destined trips to alcoholic venues.  

My therapist and I also talked about my trip to visit my vacant property in Springfield to pick up any litter as needed. It turns out no upkeep was needed.

As it turned out, when I checked out comments to the blog this morning, Connie had a different idea of the visit:

Picture taken at last summer's Cincinnati Pride Day

"Maybe I can save you a trip to the therapist (or give you something to talk to the therapist about). Have you considered that the littered vacant lot could represent your past - experiences you lived, but now wish would just go away?

I think, when we transition, we may be anxious to be rid of the male persona in favor of a new totally-feminine existence. All of our past experiences culminate into who we are, though. In the (long) process of transitioning, I believe that it's impossible to vacate our pasts, but we do begin to view them from a different perspective. Although there may be much that litters our past, the important things, like close personal relationships, can't be ignored. 

Today is my first daughter's 40th birthday (how can that be, when I am still in my 40's?). :-) I have been reminiscing about her this morning, and, although I wouldn't ever want to forget anything about her, there are some not-so-great things that litter my memories - the time when she was about eleven, and accidentally caught me cross dressed, being one of the most regrettable. We can't erase anything, but we can pick up the pieces and try to put them into a new perspective.

There are plenty of other things from my past - good and bad - that I will never forget, but I certainly don't talk about them as I might have years ago. Sitting around with a bunch of guys (even if they are in dresses), trading stories in a one-up-man-ship manner, is just not appealing to me these days. It only ever was because I was so into the overcompensation game of hiding my femininity with demonstrations of hyper-masculinity. Oh, how silly I now see myself to have been!

I often refer to the AA Serenity Prayer, because it seems to sum up my transgender existence:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference."


Thanks!!!

Quite the Week

Over the past week here in Cyrsti's Condo, I wrote about how busy the week was.

I believe the only day I didn't write much about was my Doctor's appointment on Tuesday. Since I have attempted suicide in my past and I am Bi-Polar, I have two mental health doctors assigned to me. One actually keeps track of my meds and the other of my life. Tuesday, I saw the meds doctor.

During my visit, I had my annual "update." It was worth noting to my Doc how my moods have been very smooth lately and much of it has to do with my decreasing Mtf gender dysphoria. However, I keep expecting it to start ramping back up any day. Unfortunately, I seem to always be looking over my shoulder. An example of positive reinforcement for me came Wednesday night when I went to Liz's martial arts class to pick her up. For a change, everyone there was nice and smiled and spoke to me. I especially liked it when one of them referred to me as "she."

Instances such as the experience always help my fragile confidence. Which in turn helps me live my overall life.

I know some people claim they don't need their anti depression or anxiety meds after they started hormone replacement therapy (HRT) but I am not one of them. In fact I had to make sure I could separate both sides of myself to the Veteran's Administration when I started my treatment years ago. In other words, I was transgender and Bi-Polar and one didn't equate to the other. So far, it's working.

Also this week, I did submit my proposal for a workshop at this years' Trans Ohio Symposium and I did choose the gender dysphoria subject. So far I have not heard anything back.

So, all in all it was a great week.

On the Road Again

Just ahead of another big winter storm, I was able to safely navigate my way over the 150 plus mile round trip to see my Hematologist today (Tuesday). 

I made the trip up the highway to keep my doctors appointment at the Dayton, Ohio Veterans Hospital.  The same ones who nursed me back to health when I was diagnosed with a very high iron level in my blood over two years ago.

Today proved to be a very beneficial day. Most importantly, my blood work turned out fine again as my iron level was within the prescribed levels. As I always say, I am nothing without my health.

When I get my blood labs done, it takes approximately an hour or so to get the results to my doctor. I usually spend the time eating a much needed lunch. As I am very hungry after fasting for twelve hours so they can get a reliable test.

I was already feeling good about myself when after a considerable wait for blood labs, two guys who were sitting across from me began to talk. As they began to discuss how long one of them had waited, he said, "not as long as she has." Referring to me. He didn't know of course how much that meant to me. Years ago, in the same place was where I was referred to as a "fa--ot" by a bigot who was sitting near me.

The cafeteria continued my run of proper pronouns when I was in one of the custom sandwich lines. The guy making my sub sandwich called me mam, as did the cashier as I was headed to find a table. Lunch proved to be more pleasant when I ran into another transgender woman who I had met previously at my LGBTQ support group meeting.  We sat together and chatted until it was time for my appointment.

Even the interstates today seemed to be more mellow, even though it was because my time on the road was at non peak times. Because, I chose not to wait over for today's' support group meeting. 

They just had to carry on without me :) 

I Got "Nuttin" Honey

Every once in a while, I draw a blank when it comes to writing a blog post.

It seems lately, I have missed several opportunities to go to places I could have written about, which is going to happen again this weekend. Liz and I were invited out again to the restaurant venue we have been going to, which is slightly upscale.

This time, we can't go because of financial duress caused by having to put a new brake system on one of our cars. Plus, The Ohio State University Buckeyes play Texas Christian University Saturday night. It should be a great game.

Next week though, I have a Veterans Administration LGBTQ support meeting Tuesday and I better start working on my new voice lesson homework. So, I have something to show the other transgender women (and everyone else) in the group.

So things should be picking up soon.

Travel Days?

Well, today really isn't. Tonight is another support group meeting and.if I happen to get there in one piece without hitting a curb or worse, I won't be traveling far today. Before the last transgender - cross dresser meeting I went to. I was so busy trying to navigate a turn off a very busy street, I hit a curb so hard, I blew a tire. Which meant yet another get together with a tow truck driver. As it turned out again, my fears were unfounded, because he treated me with respect and got me on my way, without incident. Plus, there is some sort of poetic justice in just standing there and having a guy take care of things.

Tonight I plan on not hitting the curb and making my way into my fave coffee shop for some sort of cooling coffee blend. Not in my diet but tasty none the less!

Tomorrow is the real travel day. It's time again to make the three hour round trip to see my long time therapist up north at the Dayton, Ohio Veterans Administration campus. Hopefully, she will be glad to hear my referral for voice therapy has gone through for July 18th. Since she was instrumental in setting it up.

Plus I have sold an item in one of my Etsy shoppes, so it will take me an hour or two or so, to find a box and get the proper documentation together to get it shipped.

Should be a busy couple of days!

Voice Police

Yesterday, the "voice police" called. Yes, I finally set up an appointment with the speech department at my veterans administration hospital.

After setting up the visit, I immediately thought, what did I just do? You see, my voice is very horse most of the time, so I hope there is nothing majorly wrong which would require surgery.

One way or another, it's time to hitch up my big girl panties on the 18th and get it looked at.

Of course my end game is having a more feminine voice and I am willing to put whatever work needed to insure it happens. My major issue now is keeping my voice in what I consider a feminine mode all the time.

I have set my first goal. It is to try to not get mis gendered on the phone.

It would be a huge success!

Where to go From Here

Independence Day has now come and gone, so now we have a fairly long stretch of summer coming up with very little happening. Plus, this run of brutal heat is continuing for at least another day before we have a respite this weekend.

Next week though, I have a transgender-crossdresser meeting on Monday, which should be fun because one of the trans moderators just got engaged this weekend. Then on Tuesday, I make the journey North to see my therapist at the Dayton, Ohio Veterans Administration campus. 

As far as summer fashion goes, I am pretty well set, so I should start looking ahead to the fall and it's new fashion trends. Perhaps I can find a deal or two on the racks where I shop.

Also, Liz and I want to take another "mini" vacation sometime in August. Most likely, back up to Columbus, Ohio. We might want to work it in before The Ohio State University gets back for it's fall session towards the end of the month. (August)

It's tough to wish time away at my age, so this time I will call it...advanced planning!

VA Pride Day

"LGBT Pride Day" at the Cincinnati Veteran's Administration hospital campus, turned out to be a well attended quality affair. I would estimate approximately two hundred peeps wondered through. Only a couple were remotely negative to the three of us who attended to our table. One fool was enjoying call us "you guys" a little too much. Some people shouldn't be allowed to get out much I guess.

On the positive side, we had one person who came up and said he was deeply closeted but was looking for alternatives to come out. He took a ton of the information we were offering. There were also several others who said they had transgender members in their family.

The part of the event which really stood out to me, was a brief performance of "Muse", a woman's a capella chorus. They were wonderful and truly represented the feminine spirit.

Finally, I believe nearly all LGBT Pride events paint a too rosy overall picture of the transgender lifestyle. While (even with the current presidential administration which is dedicated to taking all our gains away), things are getting better for our trans sisters and brothers. On the other hand, I think of the two (out of an approximate twenty) transgender women in one of my support groups who have been fired from their jobs recently.

All in all though, it was a nice event and I received another invitation to yet another monthly support group.

Spring?

Old picture with short hair.

Well, March is up to her old tricks. A couple days of positively beautiful Spring weather, followed by a couple of days of rain and/or snow. What it does do though, is get me moving in checking out my seasonal wardrobe. I do have some serviceable pieces left over from last year and they provide a great starting point for this year.

I have also saved back my birthday gift certificate to use. I plan on abusing it for a couple items to wear to my workshop at  the Trans Ohio Symposium and at the Transgender Day of Visibility event Liz and I are helping at. It's coming up in a couple of weeks, so I can't keep putting off doing my shopping.

Getting my nails done is also a priority for me this year and I have to S&S for them. Save and Schedule.

Tomorrow I have another support group meeting at the Dayton, Ohio Veterans Administration  which I might have to miss due to a forecast of everything from rain, to ice, to snow.

Such is life around here (Ohio) in the Spring! 

If Ya' Gotta" Go

Unfortunately, one of the most devastating facets of being being transgender includes being able to use the bathroom of your choice.

So much so, I was surprised to hear one of the new participants (a cis woman) ask about it during our last trans vet support meeting. I said it definitely was a factor to me, as I have used (of course) women's bathrooms for years now. Along the way I have been treated very rudely, although many years ago. Even to the point of having the police called on me and being called a pervert.

Another trans woman in the group talked about the extreme measures she takes if she doesn't know for sure there will be safe bathrooms to use where she is going. For example, not drinking a lot of fluids. She also said she knows where every gender neutral bathroom is in the VA hospital (Veterans Administration) although supposedly, we can use any bathroom we want.

I have always said, I find the whole situation to be over blown because many women's bathrooms aren't the "pristine" palaces one was led to believe they would be. Be careful of where you sit to pee!

I have always found it to be the best policy not to take your time. Do your business, wash your hands, check your make up and move on. Back in the day I used to even carry a tampon with me, in case some women was questioning my girl card. These days I don't because rarely does anyone question my "age" card!

Plus, I have female marked on my drivers license and veteran's administration identification card. Should anyone ask.

Like I said, it has been years since anyone has. I even made it through the rest stop on the Alabama/Mississippi state line.

Enough said!

Retired?

This is another week I wonder about retirement. It seems every day I have something going on. Which isn't a bad thing.

Tonight (Monday) I have a transgender - cross dresser support group meeting here in Cincinnati. Tuesday I have my transgender veteran support group meeting in Dayton.
Wednesday, I have an appointment with my therapist at the VA.
Finally, Friday, Liz and I are going to her Black Belt Karate Banquet, which is semi formal.

As far as outfits go, it's basically leggings or jeans with a nice sweater for the first three days and a sparkly sleeveless top with a long flowing skirt for Friday. Pretty routine.

I can't write it enough, when you transition into full time feminine living, everything you think will happen does. You immediately have to begin to build a wardrobe which will include basics which can carry you in multiple situations. Also, you need some items for any special occasions which may crop up.

Of course, the good old sweats and T-shirts will still work around the house. Especially when you have been on hormone replacement therapy for awhile. You will give them a whole new shape!

Speaking of HRT, it's time for me to order more of my estrodial patches from the Veteran's Administration.

Retirement can wait!

You Are Nothing...

It's been awhile here in Cyrsti's Condo since I have discussed my most prized possession...my health.  You may (or may not) remember, I ran into some fairly serious iron problems in my blood in 2015. The issue wasn't a lack of iron, it was too much. If the problem was not brought under control, liver damage would result. To make a long story short, I was taken off my precious estrogen until it was and in the meantime my hands were breaking out in sores, again until my iron could be brought under control.

After seeing a number of VA (Veterans Administration) doctors, one diagnosed my problem and set out to help me take care of it. He ordered me to undertake a series of Phlebotomy's until my iron was back under control. Here is a partial explanation:

"Phlebotomy is a clinical procedure in which blood is taken out from your body. People suffering from conditions such as hemochromatosis, where there is an excess of iron content in the blood, or polycythemia, where the patient produces excessive amounts of red blood cells, regularly undergo phlebotomy to alleviate their condition.

The regular removal of blood lowers the body’s iron level by bringing down the population of red blood cells in the body."

This link will take you to more of an explanation..

Most importantly, over a period of six months, the treatment worked and I was allowed to get back on my HRT meds and resume my MtF transgender gender transition. In addition I, perhaps, will have blood taken every three months or so for the rest of my life.

My thanks to Sam Thomas , the main editor at Medipursuit who helped me with the explanation and the link.

It's hard to explain what the process was and how important it was/is to me. With the Christmas season upon us, the most important gift anyone can receive is their health!

More Cross Dressers?

Our Cyrsti's Condo comment today comes from Paula Goodwin  and concerns two recent posts including "Psst, There are Cross dressers Here":

Paula GoodwinDecember 6, 2017 at 6:33 AM

"I refer you to my comment on Sunday's post! Of course we were all cross dressers at some point, and they are very definitely amongst us ~ I suspect many more than we suspect, they should be welcomed into the "Trans Community" if there is such a thing, as in many ways they are the pinnacle of divergent gender expression!

In some ways I rather miss my days as a cross dresser, the excitement of going out, the glee of preparation, even the fear of being "found out" added extra spice to my outings. On the other hand I do now feel comfortable with myself."

As do I! Thanks Paula.

Yesterday marked another trip to my Veterans Administration Hospital therapist in Dayton, Ohio. I wore my new green sweater, black leggings and knee hi boots. Even the hospital  was decked out very festively for the holidays, complete with a touring group of carolers. Personally, my trip was very uneventful as no one mis-gendered me except for one guy in a wheel chair who wouldn't stop staring but never spoke.  He made me feel very unsettled. I thought I looked very nice, but I can't vouch for him!

Going back to Paula's comment, I too sometimes miss the sheer (no pun intended) excitement of cross dressing all the way up and going shopping, or whatever. On the other hand, I have gained the pride that any cis-woman has when she dresses nice and does a good job at it.  Yesterday was a great example of being comfortable in my transgender skin...and beyond.

Running LGBT Errands

Yesterday was one of those days where it seemed like all I got done was a list of "do's."

Arranged into all my stops was a visit with my therapist, which went predictably as planned. Except,I had this deep down feeling of well being before I went into to meet her.

I guess it was easy, considering never in my wildest dreams, did I ever think I would be able to transition so far in this transgender life I have decided to live. Here I was in a waiting room basically full of women waiting for others with an appointment and no one gave me a side glance. I knew I was doing something right at the VA. (Veterans Administration).

Plus on a higher level, seeing all the vets in wheelchairs (many with limbs missing) made me feel grateful to be in one piece.

Other than that, for some reason, the woman who runs the Starbucks coffee place in the hospital, treated me like it was old home day. Most of the time, she basically takes my order and ignores me, so I don't know what that was all about. She said she hadn't seen me in a while and I could only say I was doing better with all my medical conditions. I didn't say coming to the hospital just to hang out was not my idea of a fun time.

I also had to stop by the attorney's office to make a payment on a bill and tell them I was working on picking up a death certificate. (Which I finally found which county had it.) Both receptionists were more than nice.

Finally, I have to keep telling myself, to most people I run into at least must consider me a respite of sorts from the boring public they deal with.

Which is different and fun!

What's Next?

Now that I have read again that Medicare will cover some or all aspects of genital reassignment surgery, I am sort of stuck between the rock and the bucket place. 

As I have always said, my genitals don't define me to the world and I am not interested in such a major, painful operation at my age. If most of my life was ahead of me, I am sure I would think different.


What I have written about here is my desire for a breast augmentation operation, and it's finally time to stop into a plastic surgeons office to find out if I can do it partially on Medicare's tab.

If you read Michelle Hart's (no relation) comment in my last Veterans Administration post, waiting for the VA at my age could be a death sentence. It seems our country has a penchant for getting into wars it doesn't want to pay for later. 

At any rate, all of this leads me to another point. If I was to put together a "girl" bucket list for myself, I would have to put swimming on it. I never was a huge fan of the water, even though I know how to swim plus in the old days, swimming in wigs was tough. So I never did.

So who knows, and if you do have any input into any of this, please let me know!

M.I.A

This week is "poke and prod" week at the Veterans Administration for me so I may not be able to come up up with a couple new posts, so I might dig down in the ol' files and come up with a couple archived posts.

But first, I can't help but mention the political passing of Ted Cruz (although like any villain he never really goes away.) I was really pleased in the morning yesterday when I heard one of his television ads in Cincinnati compare Clinton/Trump to "two peas in a pod" because they "approve men using the women's room." What a jerk, certainly he doesn't really believe his own scary rhetoric, and it turned out maybe "The Donald" didn't either. Trump is probably the most surprised person in his room that he has gotten this far.

And Bobbie just passed this along on Facebook to me that Prez Obama is preparing some sort of anti hate speech. So never a dull moment as they say.

Transition IV

We are writing a series of posts this week on MtF gender transitions and today we are moving away from establishing your femininity in the world into establishing an "inner" circle of friends or family (if you are lucky.)

I remember the evening around five years ago when I decided I was going to pursue the hormone route.-HRT. It was around the time the Veteran's Administration announced it would help transgender vets with the program.

Of course my first stop was with a VA psychologist whom I see off and on to this day. One of her first questions to me was what kind of a support system did I have built around me for this big of move. 

I was able to answer that I had a very supportive daughter, a loving partner and two very good friends who helped me build a new life...more than I could say. So obviously the answer was yes. My days of hanging around gay venues and/or malls trying to feel feminine were over. I wanted/needed HRT to step to my next level of femininity. ***Not saying you have to do it this way, and shouldn't without a Doctor's supervision!

Years later as I look back, I have been able to broaden my circle of friends, as I have been able to meet some incredible people. Most incredibly, everytime I head around another corner, there is something new to discover.

Next, the power of confidence, aura and presentation.

Just Being Me

This morning Liz and I made our way to one of our fave groups-the Cincinnati Creative Meetup folks. A bunch of them fancy themselves as writers (as I do) but even I have managed to scratch out a bit more work than most.

Momma Karma though normally puts one or both of us close to an interesting person, regardless of their past literary successes. Of course (like it or not) I am sort of an attraction because I am transgender. 

Today, the person who ended up sitting between us for coffee and breakfast was a veteran too and writing about her experiences as a cis woman vet.

Of course we went from where and when did we serve to and what sort of care were we getting from the the VA. It turned out I thought mine was better in Dayton than hers in Cincinnati, which is probably not unusual.

From there came the fun part when I told her I was invited to the women's vets Memorial Day Picnic in Dayton this year and was tearing up as I told her. Not as bad though as when I made the point about Caitlin Jenner backing Ted Cruz, the all time worst choice of the candidates to support any LGBTQ rights.

With that, an exciting day of grocery shopping awaited and no we didn't see our friendly heels and hose cross dresser at the market, this time I really want to talk to her!

As Promised!

VA

We all have ID's and increasingly so as Big Brother or Sister continues to look over our shoulders, and the way the world is becoming these days, it may not be all in all a bad deal. Plus, looking ahead, as the world continues to be increasingly interconnected, bar coded identification cards are the rule. At least here in Ohio, your drivers license is coded in so when and if you get pulled over by a cop, they get a head start. Also, now when I go to the Veteran's Administration, I need to scan my ID card at a kiosk, which is why it was a such a huge deal to get my name and gender changed over.

Who Dat?

I told you all I would show you (the best I could) all my non pertinent info on my new ID's  and for a little fun, I thought I would toss in the "before" picture of me which has been "hidden" on the blog for a while!

Sorry about the "camouflage" but you get the idea of why I repeated first grade so many times!

Are Women Better Actors?

Yesterday at my therapist appointment (which has gone completely past the core reasons I originally went) we wondered into the world of women at large and my perceptions as a transgender woman.

I told her, and you Cyrsti's Condo readers will remember, I was fortunate to have worked for 30 plus years in restaurant business as a manager. During that time, it wasn't uncommon for me to try to manage approx fifty female servers. Also (of course) I worked with other women managers too. 

I learned up close and personal that women form cliques and men form teams and you always had to be on the outlook for the knife to the back from a woman. Women are vicious, men are brutal.

Knowledge that has served me well all the way through my transition. Let's take the Dayton, Ohio VA Medical Center for example. Yes, the same Dayton, Ohio Stana from Femulate who comes West to our 'neck of the woods' once a year on business comes to. In fact the hospital/complex isn't that far from the airport.

Stana has never flown there before as a woman and I hope her experiences are as good as mine at the VA.

"Kudos" to them yesterday! I think at least 90% of the women I came across in the hallways or was treated by in the clinics were sooooooo nice. Especially the one who tap danced her way around the wrong pronouns with me by even using "this veteran" at one point.

Even though as you all know, I have been doing this public trans woman thing for quite awhile, sometimes it is still very difficult for me to make eye contact with another woman every time I should - I nearly never do it with a man.

So yes, we women are better actresses and we transgender women have to be even better. After all, the world is a stage and we need to be comfortable in it to survive.

Plus I almost think we trans girls are getting to the place cross dressers have been for years. We are OK-if we aren't someone's brother or husband.