Warhol Revisited

Actress Candy Darling 

Years ago, I joined several transgender friends for a short drive to The Ohio State University for an exhibit they were hosting on the works of  Andy Warhol. 

To begin with I made the decision to not wear heels like most of the other friends I went with.  Since I had some sort of an idea of where the exhibit would be on the spacious Ohio State campus the decision saved me quite a bit of pain. While my friends were crippled, I was comfortable in my flats. Probably, most importantly, I was able to enjoy most all of Warhol's varied works I saw, not just his transgender followers.  

Such as, at the time, we knew of the connections between transgender women and Warhol. Specifically the beautiful trans actress "Candy Darling" who tragically died at the age of thirty from lymphoma in New York City. Not being totally into the Warhol at the time, I really had no idea of everything the artist was into. The exhibit was massive and quickly a few of my friends seemed to be getting bored. So much, to my chagrin one of the trans women flashed the world on an escalator between floors when I was immediately behind her. Fortunately, no one seemed to notice her obscene act and no harm was done. From then on, I kept my distance since the exhibit's audience included many kids. As far as the public was concerned, they were not paying us any attention and I wanted to keep it that way.

From then on my bored trans friends decided upon leaving Warhol behind and going to a nearby gay venue. Following my experience with one of the women at the exhibit, I wondered how she would act following a couple of drinks so I did my best to again distance myself from her at the bar. Plus, I knew from my experiences in male gay venues, most of the other clientele would not be interested in her and her new genitals anyhow. 

From then on, since we had nearly a forty five minute drive home from Ohio State, we didn't stay too long and headed for home.

Far from being any sort of an art critic at all, I was surprised how interested I was in the entire collection of Warhol's work. As far as the rest of the transgender women I went with, I never saw a couple of them again and just stayed in contact with Racquel who I mention here fairly often. I always respected her for her trans journey to living an authentic life. 

If I had the chance, I would revisit Warhol again and I am sure my wife Liz would also. She is much more an appreciator of the arts than I am. Sadly today, with my mobility issues, I would struggle to enjoy his work again.    

 

Impostor Syndrome?

 

Halloween Girls Night Out
Jessie Hart Archives 

In many ways, this post is an extension of yesterdays work. 

Impostor syndrome to me means not feeling at home in a space where you worked hard to find yourself. It is especially true when it comes to transgender women and trans men. Specifically I know a couple of trans men who suffer from impostor syndrome even though they are undetectable in their adopted authentic gender presentations. I am fond of telling one of them, they have transitioned into better men than I have ever known. 

Even still, imposter syndrome is difficult to shake. My earliest problems with I.S. came when I was invited to girls nights out. First of all, I was petrified and when my fears quieted down, I could finally grasp where I was and I was living my dream. Most importantly, I did not want to turn my dream into a nightmare and did I really belong there. After all, my path to womanhood was so different than all the other cis-gender women I was with. As I said in yesterdays' post, most all of the women in the group accepted me without questioning my past. I say most, because there was one woman one night who made no secret of her dislike for me. I did my best to ignore her or on the other hand, return the favor. My largest goal was not to let her ruin my experience. Which was so so fragile to begin with.

To this day I still suffer from gender impostor syndrome on occasion. I don't know why after all these years of living as a transgender woman fulltime why I would but I do. Perhaps it is because all the years I lived through to get to this point at times seemed as if I would never make it. All the years of going home with tears in my eyes from public scorn took their toll on me. All the years of trying to know myself when the answer was right in front of me all the time. Including the days when restroom privilege's were difficult to come by also. I had the police called on me all the way to being screamed at by a transphobic woman one night in a venue where I thought I was safe in. 

It has always been my theory that genetic women (or men for that matter) are just born female or male and need to grow into being women or men. As humans we need the time and experience to grow into our mature gender selves and sadly, many never make it.

I suppose this is the main reason I still fall for the occasional bout of gender impostor syndrome. I just haven't had the chance to pay all my dues I need to pay on the bumpy journey out of my closet and entering the world as a novice transgender woman. Even though I have spent over a half century of work to arrive here.

Happily, my battle with imposter syndrome seems to be almost at an end. I now have the confidence to realize I belong in a space as much as the next woman. I just have to continue to adjust to the way women are approached in the world. It was my own personal journey to my own unique trans-womanhood and I own it totally.    

Macho Remembered

Image from the Jessie Hart Archives

 I don't think I ever considered myself as a macho guy but then again, there were times I needed to be. 

Those were the times on the football field, in the Army
or when I was at work when my macho image worked to my advantage. Mainly because I needed it to. In fact, on occasion, I came to rely upon it to do better in life. On other occasions, my main macho props were cigars and beer. 

Interestingly, when I transitioned, I discovered a new side of macho. Very early on when I was coming out as a novice transgender woman, I shied away from any contact with a man I felt was macho. I thought he would recoil at any interaction with me. Slowly but surely, I learned none of it  rarely ever happened. For the most part the majority of all men tended to ignore me  anyhow and the pressure to succeed went away. 

The biggest example I can recall is the time I developed a friendship with a big bear of a guy at one of the venue's where I was a regular. He was part of a small group of diverse people I met on a weekly basis. While I was part of the group, the guy also fell victim to an ill-fated marriage to another member of the group, a long dark haired beauty who also was a hair dresser as well as part time exotic dancer. As you most likely can imagine the marriage just wouldn't work. What happened was, the remainder of the group basically shunned him. All except me. I gave him a shoulder to lean on. What I neglected to mention was the guy owned a classic motorcycle. Even though I was never really a fan of motorcycles, I could appreciate the inherent beauty of the machine and I could pass along my ideas to him.

It wasn't long before he came into the venue and ended up setting next to me to talk. He was the first macho guy I became comfortable with but sadly he moved on too soon when he transferred to another lumber yard in a neighboring town. I never had the chance to hitch a ride on the back of his classic bike. From him I learned confidence in my dealings with all men. Including the first time I was asked out to dinner from a transgender man. 

Which leads me to yet another different attraction I always felt when I was with a group of lesbians. If you don't know, lesbians range all the way from lipstick women to super butch lesbians. For whatever reason, I never had any problem attracting to and relating to the super butch spectrums of lesbian women. I have never been shy writing about the time the super butch cornered me and strongly suggested I sing karaoke with her. I very poorly did it and took off before she had any other chances to talk to me. 

Oddly, my interactions with macho guys also extended into the male gay community. When Liz and I went to Mardi Gras several years ago we ended up in a gay bar heavily frequented by "bears" or macho bearded large men. There, as well as several Prides we went to, I had "Bears" smile and speak to me. 

Perhaps it all has to do with the aura I project. I lived such a long portion of my life attempting to survive in a male world, I still have an in-depth knowledge of the culture. Which doesn't explain the paranoia I always felt when dealing with men. Perhaps I will never lose my fear. 

Finally, what I also learned was many men who project as macho really aren't in the toxic sense and they are more secure in their masculinity. Which makes them safer for all women... Cis-gender and transgender. We need more non toxic men.

Creating a Tangled Gender Web

Image from Robert 
Anasch on UnSplash

When I look back at my life, I wonder if I knew all it would entail would I do it all again.

The only change I would make would be to have have the courage sooner to go ahead and transition from male to female. Even though it sounds like a good idea to have jumped off my gender cliff earlier, the problem became the world around me. I am seventy four and the world at large has gone through several different realities when it comes to the transgender world. Back in the day, there was very little feedback when it came to being transgender at all. Basically, there were only two categories, transvestite (or cross dresser) and/or transsexual. Neither of which felt very natural to me, Plus if you went the transsexual route, you were expected to move and leave your old life completely behind. I never thought I could do it either. I still had a daughter I loved plus enjoyed small parts of my male life.

In other words, I was stubborn to the point I thought I could still transition my own way. If indeed I ever came to the conclusion I was trans. As I procrastinated through life, I created an increasingly tangled gender web. I was trying to balance what was left of my male life along with a long term marriage with a woman I loved very much. At that point, I was trying my best to try to discover my true gender self. My web grew ever tangled the more I tried to either escape or relax and enjoy the ride. The ride included taking my transition one step at a time. I found as I struggled in my tangled web I needed more than one transition to move forward. It took the evening when I finally decided to go out to be a transgender woman rather than as a very serious cross dresser just out to escape my male world. to change my mind The difference was major in that I was striving to discover who I really was rather than just playing some sort of game I had indulged in for most of my life. Much of it was in front of a mirror. Naturally the world was much more brutal and I needed to be better.

As it turned out, I was increasingly successful in both of my lives in the main two binary genders which caused my web to be even bigger and more tangled. I ended up sneaking out behind my wife's back, which caused severe problems with my marriage. It was increasingly evident I was stuck in a battle between two women. My wife and my inner woman were both strong feminine people and the war weighed heavily on my overall mental health. Before it killed me, I needed to finally escape the tangled web I was in and begin to live as a woman. Or, as my wife told me, be man enough to be a woman. 

Once I escaped, and with the help of several key friends, I was able to start all over in a new feminine  life. Although, once I began the life, I understood the fact my new life wasn't so new after all. My inner self had been waiting and observing my life just waiting to take over. Of course after I escaped the web, she had her chance and I was living my dream life.  At the least I never led a boring life. 

   

Merry Christmas

 

Christmas Party Image
My wife Liz on right.

Or should I say Happy Holidays to those of you who may prefer it. I am not particularly religious but deeply spiritual.   

No matter how you worship, or don't, hopefully, you were able to spend your day with family, adopted or not and find satisfaction. 

Now, it's time to say how deeply grateful I am to all of you who take the time to stop your day and browse my writings on whatever internet platform you choose.

Perhaps today also you can take the opportunity to pause all the drama which normally comes with the season and discover the blessings you may have. 

As I sit here watching the "Yule Log" on TV and getting my fill of Christmas music and I have my copy of "It's a Wonderful World" cued up (along with a Christmas Story) I'm ready to enjoy a mellow Christmas Day, thinking of you all.

 

 

Transgender Day of Remembrance

TDOR, or Transgender Day of Remembrance was observed Monday here in Cincinnati as well as many other places. 

According to the  "Human Rights Campaign" at least thirty three transgender women and men have been tragically murdered since the last TDOR. This total only includes the United States and not the world. I say at least because sadly no one knows for sure how many other deaths could be attributed to gender violence. 

How tragic is it we trans individuals and allies have to observe this somber day every year along with the increasing amount of violence we feel daily. An example to increasing pressure on the transgender community comes from here in Ohio where currently there are five bills pending in the legislature. The bills range from anti restroom bills all the way to restrictions on trans athletes all the way to drag shows. Of  course these bills all are being pushed by a major political party which is not the Democratic one. 

Of course each of these bills do nothing to battle the anti-transgender sentiment in the public's eye which in turn can result in increased violence. It's no secret either, the vast majority of the trans deaths came from the minority community and are younger. 

Much of these statistics are aided by the fact the trans community still suffers from societies' inequities when it comes to jobs, education and health care. And, lets not forget the number of transgender youth who are rejected by their families and end up trying to live on the streets. 

I am fortunate to live in a metropolitan area which has several LGBTQ+ resources but it is never enough. On the other hand, if one life is saved, the effort is worth while. Hopefully you live in an area where similar resources are available. If not, perhaps you have a suicide help line to help if you are having mental health issues because of your gender problems.

One way or another, take the time to remember all of those who tragically died during the previous year and if you are so inclined, offer up a small prayer for those who are still being threatened. 

A Free Spirit

 

Image from Ivana Cajina 
on UnSplash

As I was making my gender journey to living as a full time transgender woman, I often tried to pass myself off as being a free spirited person. 

Often that carried a maybe I would go even as far as dressing up as a woman on occasion. Especially during all of my Halloween adventures, this came in handy. It also was successful when I tried all the drinking that I did. Being free spirited just led to being the instigator when it came to inviting a group of friends together for a good time. It basically all started because of my family used to get together for big parties which of course included quantities of alcohol. So the entire process seemed to be natural to me since I was raised with it. 

Another factor to consider was being a free spirit and being able to drink more than the next guy somehow made me more of a man than he was. This worked because I couldn't out compete most other guys in athletics of other competitive activities. If all else failed I could try to out drink them. Deep down inside I hope I would try to outrun all my gender issues and live what I considered at the time a more "normal" life. Needless to say the process didn't work except serving to keep me deeper in my gender closet.

Being a free spirit with the cis-women friends I had was a whole different process. In my endless search to discover what a cis-woman's life was really all about, I think I became more friends than lovers with most of the women I became serious with which were very few since I always had in the back of my mind someday I would have to sell out all my male past and leave everyone I had ever known behind. During that time, anyone who attempted the complete gender change process was expected to leave totally the life they had lived behind, move and start all over. Somehow, I never wanted to do all of that as I had established a male life which I actually liked part of.

Of course, being a free spirit caused other issues also. As I mentioned, never being able to become close to many other human beings (male or female) was on occasion frustrating and disappointing.  All in all, I can count the number of true male friends I had on one hand when they tragically all started to pass away in a two year span of my life. I have had people question me how easy or difficult my gender transition was when I finally decided to do it. It wasn't difficult at all because most of my family(parents) and close friends had passed on. I guess you could say I waited them all out and I was the last person standing. So I was able to move on.

My feminine inner self who waited all those years for her chance to live did maintain a portion of my overall free spirit. Sadly now, my body is paying the price for all those years of attempting to be the best at everything I did. My back betrays me everytime I move too much or change directions too quickly. Maybe since I have passed my seventy fourth birthday, I am asking too much but I am trying to walk more to stay active. In my own way, I want to maintain being a free spirit for as long as I live.

Ohio Proud

Image from Cyrus Crossan
on UnSplash

 It was another big night here in Ohio with the midterm elections taking place. 

Along with several other states in the country, Democrats won big in a state unfairly criticized for being entirely conservative. If you are from Ohio, you know the differing areas of the state which has been excessively gerrymandered. Meaning districts in the state which have been set up to protect Republicans who run year after year. The results are worthless politicians such as "Gym" Jordon who recently tried an ill fated attempt at running for the Speaker of the House of U.S. Representatives who is from Ohio. Jordan has managed to be in congress for approximately sixteen years. Recently, the many big metro parts of the state have been successfully organized to fight back people like Jordan. 

What this means for all of you who are out as transgender women and trans men is, if supposedly backwards Ohio is an example, there is a light at the end of the tunnel for us which isn't the train. It bears mentioning also that anti abortion proponents tried to tie in gender realignment surgeries into their advertisements to vote the abortion issue down, to no avail. 

I have always urged all individuals with gender issues, including cross dressers deeply hidden away to consider their political future and vote appropriately.  After all, you never know what the future holds and you may have a chance to escape your gender closet in the future, into a more forgiving world. Especially when you consider how different the younger generation is when it comes to gender. As far as personal preferences go, my transgender grandchild in their early twenties, in my mind, has had it much easier than I did years ago. Plus when you vote, don't forget to remember your local school boards. Even our local school board had two candidates which had support from the alt right "Mom's for Liberty" lost handily when they were exposed to having no kids in the district as well as other facts. 

Sorry to have made this post so political but when a certain political party is trying to erase us now and in the future, it is time for the transgender community to put it's petty differences behind us and unite.

It is also time for the TERF's and other transphobic women to realize trans women are women too and can help in their political causes.

Now is the time before the next BIG election when our democracy will be on trial.

It Was All a Dream

Image from Marcos Paulo Prado 
on UnSplash

Similar to so many other transgender women and trans men, when I was young often I woke up sad in the morning after vividly dreaming I was living as my preferred feminine gender. 

Of course, then depression set in when I had to face yet another unwanted day as my old male self. On those days, very little motivated me to get going. Somehow I managed to make it through another day. On the good days, I had figured out how I could sneak around my family's back and cross dress in my small wardrobe and admire myself in the mirror. In the meantime, I tried to study the cis-women (natural born) around me to see if there was anyway I could copy their dress or mannerisms without being too obvious. I was so envious.

It took me years and even decades to figure out how totally reversed my gender dreaming really was. To this day, after living as long as I have as a full time transgender woman, my dreams are still flipped. In other words, most of my dreams still involve me as my old unwanted male self. I'm sure the main reason is the fact proportionately I still have lived the majority of my life in a stressful male world. To be successful I just had to learn the game well. All of which has carried into, and remains a substantial portion of my self-conscious thought. 

Plus, on occasion, I feel as if my entire gender existence has been nothing more than an extended dream. Perhaps it is because for such a long period of time I considered being able to live as a transgender woman was just an impossible dream. Then when I began to leave my mirror behind and break out of my gender closet into the world, I began all the changes I would need to do to live a new fulfilled life. Suddenly my life evolved from just doing my best to appear as a woman, all the way to communicating effectively as a trans woman with other women in the world.   

It was around this time of gender discovery when I started to believe I had my whole life backwards. There were certain aspects somehow I needed to do as a male but overall the other set of experiences I went through could have been lived by my dominate feminine self. I couldn't believe how much easier my life became when I finally gave in to her and let her live. She in essence was telling me she was right all along and she was.

It turned out, my dyslexic self had my gender mixed up also. All along when I  considered myself a male to female cross dresser, in reality I was a female to male cross dresser just trying to survive in an unwanted world. 

Now my past is mostly a dream, some parts good and others bad. Perhaps one of these days my sub-conscious will flip into dominant feminine role too and my dreams will become predominantly feminine in nature. I suppose if that is all I have to complain about, life is good.   

Secure Beginnings

 

1966 Transvestia Cartoon

This morning I read a post by a transgender man I follow on another writing format. 

The number one fact I took away from his post was how accepting his grandparent was when he was growing up. In fact, the grandparent took him to get his hair cut and purchased him clothes to match his authentic gender. After I read the post I responded by saying how good it must have been to have a supporting person in their life. 

Sadly, I was never able to take advantage of having anyone even knowing about or having any inkling about my gender issues. I knew without any shadow of a doubt, I was expected to be a boy in all aspects of my life. My parents were of the "Greatest Generation" which was the WWII and Great Depression generation. As a child growing up in the 50's, I was expected to fit neatly into a square male hole and survive the best I could. in a world I did not embrace.

The entire experience of being totally alone in the world as a boy who wanted to be a girl led me quickly to extreme cases of gender dysphoria. It wasn't until many years later when I learned of Virginia Prince and her "Transvestia" publication did I discover there actually other transvestites as they called themselves back then. Thinking back, I am fairly sure the publication was mailed out every two months and I couldn't wait until the next one arrived. Thanks to "Transvestia", I was able to learn about actual mixers which were close enough for me to go meet  other cross dressers or transvestites. As I began to see others in those mixers up close and personal, I learned how many levels of difference there were in a community which I imagined to be so similar. For example, the idea of the mixer being for only heterosexual transvestites only was quickly dispelled when too many of the participants disappeared behind  their hotel room doors too quickly.

Ironically, through it all, I still didn't feel as if I had found any sort of a home with others who supposedly were supposed to feel similar to me. Looking back, I think it was because the concept of being transgender had not been widely publicized at the time. I knew I did not belong with the cross dressers trying to deny their male selves or the transsexuals in the group considering radical gender realignment surgery. In those days, anyone who went down the surgical path was recommended to move away and begin a totally new life. As severe as my gender dysphoria was at the time. I couldn't imagine myself doing all of that.

It took awhile but I eventually stopped blaming my parents for ignoring my gender issues. Part of it was my fault for never attempting to tell them what was really bothering me, so I took the traditional male approach and just bottled it all up. I hid it all so well until the night after I returned home from the Army. I came home late from drinking my share of beer and found my Mom waiting up for me. We started to talk and along the way, I tried to come out to her. She followed her instincts and offered to pay for mental health counselling and I followed mine and never brought it up to her again. She has long since passed away so the best I could do to honor her anyhow was to change my new legal middle name to hers nearly five years ago. 

I needed to realize the "Greatest Generation" was good at providing and not so good at emotional support,  at least in my family. Once I accepted the facts of my upbringing, I really needed to work hard to not repeat the cycle of my upbringing. Once I began to feel secure in my transgender life, I was able to  do it.    

Gender Euphoria

 During a lifetime of dealing with often severe gender dysphoria, every now and then I am blessed when the gender curtain rises. It is exceedingly rare but this morning I actually experienced gender euphoria. For no particular reason, I felt good about who I was. I didn't even wait to look at my reflection in the mirror. What did happen was, when I tied my long hair back, I was able to see my breasts silhouetted in my warm sweater. Since it is still cold around here. Finally this weekend it's supposed to become warm enough to wear my spring clothes.

For me, gender euphoria doesn't happen often. I can refer all the way back to my days as a youth when I woke up in the morning wondering what gender I was going to feel like during the day. Of course I could only guess what my desired feminine gender would feel like. I just knew I would feel better if I was a girl. Along the way I even questioned why I would want to feel that way at all. The guilt was monumental. The overriding question of "why me" was terrible. 

From the Jessie Hart Collection
Looking forward to Summer.

All of it leads me to the point of thinking now I deserve all the gender euphoria I can experience. Even now with all the positive feminine changes I have gone through with hormone replacement therapy, I still don't have the amount of euphoria I think I should have. Perhaps it is because of all the years of living under a gender rock. Too much repression for too many years. Or, too much paranoia from all the dark days I went through learning how to experience living as a full time transgender woman. I often write how difficult it was learning to play in the girl's sandbox. Along the way I often wondered why me and just wanted to sit in corner and cry. Little did I know how easy it would become after I started HRT. The difference was I started to cry tears of joy.

I understand the concept of "paying your dues" but on occasion I thought transgender women and trans men have too many dues to pay. Gender euphoria shouldn't be so rare and fleeting for so many of us. 

Then again it may make it so worth while when we can stand up  straight and proclaim to the world who we are. Or, if you prefer, just being able to blend in with the world and live your best life. Finally freed from the gender shackles you have been subjected to. 

For me, the gender euphoria allows me to take a deep breath and move forward with my life. The only regret I have is it took me so long to arrive here. If I could be granted one wish, I would hope to be given back just a small portion of the time and energy it took for me to continually battle my desire to be feminine. 

Since we only live once, even small victories can become larger as we progress in life. Happiness is fleeting. You need to find it when you can.

More Drag Queens

 It turns out, my posts objecting to the domination of drag queens in more than a few of the LGBT Pride events elicited several wonderful comments on the three platforms I am writing on now (Blogger, WordPress and Medium).

Here is one from Michelle: 

" I have to say that you might be a bit wrong about the Queens doing nothing for the community. Connie is right about how most trans women just want to blend in but the Queens help to off set attention so that we can blend in without too much trouble. You have to remember that it was the Queens and gays of the Stonewall riots that brought the subject of trans into the open. That one incident helps so many find that they were not alone in the world.

Yes, Queens are know for looking and acting over the top but one has to remember that they are like that because they are entertainers if nothing else. I also know that many of them don't always dress or act outlandish all the time. Many try to wear "normal" everyday wear most of the time. Unfortunately many still end up wearing the heavy makeup to help hide the male flaws.
I remember when I first met a Queen in the Rittenhouse area of the city. She was both beautiful as well as sometimes outrageous. One thing that she did for me was to help me see what life was like for transgendered individuals back in the 60's. She helped me understand the problems I might encounter through life, many were very accurate, even to this day.
I found a very informative unabridged version of a book chapter from "Trans bodies Trans selves". It's a bit long but well worth the read.
https://www.umass.edu/stonewall/sites/default/files/Infoforandabout/transpeople/genny_beemyn_transgender_history_in_the_united_states.pdf"

Thanks Michelle.

Being Trans Visible

It's election day and I am proud to say I haven't missed many elections over the years. I am sad to say I have witnessed a couple of very bad presidents in my lifetime. Nixon was one. I think you can figure out the other.

I am not going to dwell on politics though in this post. I have a couple of comments to get to as well as the experience of voting for the first time as my feminine transgender self. I was a little nervous when I did it but on the other hand couldn't wait to produce my brand new driver's license which said "F" in the gender category, rather than "M". The license was scanned and nothing was said. I was just given my ballot to cast. Wow! It felt good! I guess now, the bad part is voting as a woman has become very mundane.

Both comments indirectly touch on the mechanics of getting to the mundane part if you are considering exploring a life as your true self (transgender) or just feel an affinity to dress as the opposite gender (cross dresser).

The first comes from Dawnautom who reads most of my posts on the WordPress blog platform:

 "Over the years I've talked to hundreds of transgender people all over the world most loved it when they could get out as them selves but a few found it felt to weird to be out in public like that. We're all different in how it affects us, some it has no effect on others spend their whole life in the closet. 

 I'm happy for you that your able to get out and be your self, I think the biggest problem we face is self love and confidence ones you master that everything else is down hill ( so to speak )."

Looking back, I can see how someone would think it was weird to go through a sudden change of gender privilege . In fact, at the last cross dresser - transgender support group meeting, a young trans man was explaining the difference approach society uses when dealing with different genders. 

The second comment comes from Connie:

"I believe that many, if not most, trans women go through a stage where their choice of feminine presentation is based on what they think a man would find appealing. I would take that one step further and say that it is often the case that the man they are seeking to please is themselves. After all, especially when one is closeted, the only man who will see "her" is "himself." Presenting oneself as a bit of a slut in public, though, does not necessarily garner the kind of attention her inner feminine-self was looking to receive. 

There's a reason that moms warn their children about this kind of woman - not marriage material. It's not that marriage is the goal of every trans woman, but it is that more-conventional kind of woman many of us transition toward. Gender dysphoria, I think, is on a spectrum and can vary for each of us, just as gender does itself. Gender expression can be a manifestation of one's perceived gender, the dysphoria, or both. For me, it's been as though my perceived feminine-self were the angel on my right shoulder, while the dysphoria sat like the devil digging his claws into the left. The more I listened to the sweet words of the angel, though, the less of a hold the dysphoric one had on me. I still like to wear my high heels, but the devil does not make me do it! :-)"

I agree gender dysphoria is also on a spectrum along with gender and sexuality. Good point!

Thank you both for your thoughtful comments!

To Be or Not to Be

Recently here in Cyrsti's Condo, we featured two young transgender women who decided to come out and be LGBTQ activists...if even it's because they came out at all.  One was Teddy Quinlivan. Along the way, Connie wanted to clarify a comment she made:

"I didn't write what I did because I disagreed with Ms. Quinilivan's decision to come out as she did. In this age of cyber-information, though, it's likely that someone else would have exposed her gender status eventually. My point was that much of what made it possible for her to even have that option was by those of us who had gone before her. Whether it was more difficult for us (baby boomers) than it was for her could be debated, but I was more interested in the evolution and history of it all. We, who are the old-timers now, also owe much to those who had gone before us.

For many women, cis or trans, fashion models represent the unrealistic, if not impossible. I agree with Paula that it is about so much more than clothes and looks, but, unfortunately, there are so many who develop feelings of inferiority - and even hopelessness - when they compare themselves to these models. We trans women often talk about how passing is not really important, but I think most of us would like to be able to do so. If I could, I believe I would do everything I could to keep my trans status a secret. As a child, I fantasized about moving away to a place where nobody knew me and live as a woman. By the time I got close enough to my eighteenth birthday, though, testosterone had done so much damage to my body that my dream seemed to be forever quashed. Had I thought that I needed to look as good as a model, however, I never would have considered it in the first place.

Anyway, those of us who are trans and not models (although I want to be a contestant on a new show, "America's Next (Muffin) Top Model," can still have an impact. Just being out in the world and living regular lives can make a big difference. I think it's pretty obvious to most everybody I meet that I'm a trans woman, so I never bring up the subject. If someone else does, I do my best to educate them, but I always make it clear that I consider myself to be a woman, and trans is but one adjective of many others I wish to be used in reference to me. How about: loving, caring, friendly, good, or even bitchy (sometimes)?"


I agree. Unless you happen to be totally passable, you definitely are on the front lines of transgender acceptance/education. If you like it or not.  It's one of the reasons I respect those who come out despite having a ton of passing privilege .

Response

In response to my "Transgender for Dummies" post yesterday, Connie had this comment:

"Well, it's for sure that Clare Flourish is not "Transgender for Dummies." I read her blog regularly, and I don't think I've gotten through a single post without having to visit Dictionary.com to find the meaning of a word she has used. She certainly offers something for which I can contemplate in most every post.

Speaking as one who must endure a transition without the "assistance" of HRT, I have only been an interested observer of my trans sisters who have been able to experience the effects of female hormones on their bodies and minds. Having fathered two daughters, and having more than just a passing interest as they have grown through puberty, pregnancies and motherhood, has taught me how I might fit into the world of the feminine mystique as a trans woman, as well. There is much to which I can't directly relate, but I, at least, have been able to create a personal mindfulness.

If I were able to go on HRT, I wonder if my mindfulness would be overcome by emotional mood swings. I have observed trans women who had little mindfulness before HRT, and most of them have shown themselves to be emotional messes at times. Cis girls certainly have little mindfulness as they go through puberty, but they do have their peers (and, if fortunate enough, a caring and wise mother) to help them through the trials and tribulations. Trans women don't usually have that luxury, and learning to deal with the changes brought about by powerful hormones must be daunting. I would like to think that I would be better prepared, myself, but I think that there would be only one way to find out. Still, I have been around trans women who began HRT with the thought that it would be the be-all-end-all of their transitions without much support or education. This is why I've often said that HRT can either fuel you or fool you. That's only from my position as an observer, of course.

For whatever reason, I've always been a pretty sensitive person. Being raised as a male, with the assistance of testosterone, had been enough to keep most public demonstration of my sensitivity to a minimum. When I finally declared that I was going to live the rest of my life as the woman I know I was born to be, I found much relief in being allowed to express my emotions more freely. I tend to shed tears at the, seemingly, most silly little things. The only reason I might try to gain control over them, these days, is to keep from messing up my makeup! :-) "

I would agree Clare Flourish is no dummy! Didn't mean to imply she was. More precisely, I was trying to say I was the dummy. 

My view on HRT is it is a stepping stone. In many instances such as I, it has provided me a much needed edge in be able to to present more favorably as a trans woman. I was far from a "natural."  So, as far as I am concerned, HRT fueled me to where I wanted to go. On the other hand, HRT is far from the miracle worker many perceive it to be. As with any other medical procedure, it all needs to be kept in perspective. 

I know a couple novice transgender women who are so convinced HRT is the magic stepping stone to bottom surgery, they have it all laid out in their minds how quick  it all can happen. Both have barely taken the time to live a feminized existence. 

Needless to say, it is a radically different deal when you start to live full time.

Payless

In yesterday's Cyrsti's Condo post, I mentioned Payless Shoes was closing all of it's stores.

We promptly went out to our very new Payless Super Store, waded in to the crowd and found three good buys in my 11W women's size. I even had the available finances to buy the shoes. The selection was very good and yes I did see one man looking at the larger size women's shoes.

Even though the stores are expected to be open through March (according to Connie), I wanted to get the best of discounts and selection. I ended up buying a new pair of black flats, a pair of summer sandals to wear with my maxi dresses and a new pair of girls tennis shoes.  So now, I very much have my warm weather footwear needs taken care of.

If you are wondering, the initial discounts were between twenty and forty percent. Since I rarely buy on line due to sizing issues, I don't know what Payless maybe offering discount wise in their on line store. 

Passing Thoughts?

Actually I like the word "presenting" better than "passing" when it comes to describing one's feminine appearance.

Also, the term is way over used anyhow but is it a natural phenomena or not? After all, the world operates to a large extent on appearance. I remember going to a very small rural school growing up with basically the same kids all the way from first to ninth grade. The most attractive kids basically formed a clique which lasted all the way.

Unfortunately, we transgender women still have a tendency to over rate ourselves when it comes to appearance. Instead we need to rely on our inner confidence to show the world who we really are. Always remember, the majority of cis women in the world don't have the benefit of being physically beautiful either but do the best they can with what they inherited.

Equally as bad is when we all get set up for failure by the cross dressers and/or novice trans women who often think dressing trashy is sexy and never present well.

The bottom line though is well represented by the quote above.  Thanks to Jill for sending it along! 

Transgender Day of Remembrance

Here in Cincinnati, Ohio we are having two events to mark Transgender Day of Remembrance and the Trans Day of Visibility today.

As I have written many times here in Cyrsti's Condo, many of us can help each vigil along. Often in small ways from deep within our own closets. An example would simply to vote against the local and national bigoted candidates clogging the political system.

These days too, are a good time to remember all the trans women who have been murdered, for just trying to live as their authentic selves. From the top down in this country, people are trying to erase our very existence. It's always a good time to think about being careful.

But, proud and visible we are! The transgender tribe is getting stronger and stronger all the time. Even the younger generation is becoming more and more gender blind and accepting. Plus, finally, we are becoming a vibrant "T" in the LGBT coalition..

There is still a ton of work to do and we all must stay vigilant of those seeking to take our rights away or worse yet, even harm us. 

Now is a good time to pause for a second and remember all those we have lost and remember all the work yet to be done.

Victory March?

At last night's transgender - cross dresser support group meeting, it occurred to me how long and drawn out process the journey is to cross the gender frontier and live with your gender dysphoria.

Last night, the full range of people were there. We had everyone from a total beginner to gender fluid individuals to full time trans women and a trans man.

As the beginner struggled with his/hers emotions and talked to the group, I remembered back to my ancient transvestite days when I first came out to a small group of friends. Rightfully so, it seems like it was long ago.

As most of you Cyrsti Condo regulars know, my journey includes several suicide attempts. One active and a couple passive ones. That is why I consider my path a victory march

I can't ever tell you it gets a whole lot easier but then again, life becomes so much more satisfying. A victory to be sure.

Stuck to the Tube?

I guess the correct way to say it these days is "binge watching" a certain television or cable show on whatever media you choose.

All season long, I stayed fairly current with the TLC Network show, Lost in Transition. As with anything else in the transgender community, the show had to deal with many complex situations as it followed the lives of four couples dealing with the husband coming out as trans.

Connie followed up with us here in Cyrsti's Condo on her take on the show:

FABULOUSCONNIEDEEJuly 19, 2018 at 12:55 PM

"I did a mini-binge watch of episodes 7, 8, and 9 a couple of days ago when it was 93 degrees outside and I didn't feel like moving around anyway. I cried a few times, but not for the couples who were breaking up over their respective transitions. Rather, I cried for the acceptance of family and friends for the others; happy tears!

I decided to watch the series based on your blog post, but I was still a little tentative about it. So much of these shows seem so decisive in their edited presentations, and I get so tired of the "reveals" and comparisons of the subjects' presentations between male and female. There was definitely some of that here, but I put up with it in order to see how the wives handled their husbands' transitions. After all, my wife and I just celebrated our 46th anniversary last month, and I'm still in awe of my wife for sticking with me through all of this - even if our relationship has changed significantly as a result of it. I can't say that my transition and relationship fit into any of the experiences these couples demonstrated, but my wife would probably relate to every concern these wives had. I say "would probably" because she has no interest in seeing this show.

The one thing that I liked was that the producers brought out the fact that a transgender person's transition is not hers/his alone, but requires transitioning by everyone else concerned. I have been very mindful of that reality throughout my own transition, and that may be the reason I'm still married. Still, as I have said since day one of our marriage (throughout the many years of my repression and beyond) that my wife deserves most all of the credit for its success. Musicians don't always make the best partners, anyway, but throw in the gender identity thing and........

I found it hard to understand how these trans women could be all-in on the hormones and surgeries before even taking the rudimentary step toward social transition. Whatever happened to the rule of living authentically for a year beforehand? I think it's a wise thing to do, even if it's not a requirement. If you are not able to accept your feminine-self, or can't cope with presenting yourself to the world without a professional makeover, then your chances of being happy with yourself are greatly reduced.

Of course, I think I've been successful with my transition because I've done it the right way! Then, I think again and realize that no two transitions are the same - nor are any two trans women. You won't see my wife and I on this show, if it is extended, however."

Thanks! Congratulations on your Anniversary. :)