Trans Tipping Points

 

Image from Darius Bashar
on UnSplash

Many times, in the quiet of the night, I have the opportunity to look back at my long life.

When I do, I always ultimately come to the conclusion that I was always feminine and just refused to accept it. Even more, there were several times when I realized the many tipping points, I crossed along the way which heavily influenced my life. 

The first I always mention is very early when I cross dressed in front of the mirror at home, deep down I knew just looking like an attractive girl was never going to be enough. Instead, I wanted to be one. Which would become my lifetime goal. In order to arrive at my goal of course, there would be many obstacles to overcome. What would I do about my increasingly complex male life was one good example. Each good thing which happened to me as a man would have to be let go if and when I was able to transition into my preferred transgender womanhood. 

It was then I learned there would be many small tipping points to make it through to achieve my goal. I was finding I had a unique life which just had to be lived if I was to survive at all. The whole experience was at once terrifying and exciting. Here I was on the edge of doing something I had only ever dreamed of. I had arrived at the point where every night I went out as my authentic self, the feedback I received told me I was on the right path. Primarily, for the first time in my life I was feeling natural about what I was exploring with my gender. The main tipping point came when one night I put cross dressing behind me mentally and decided I would join the world of women as an equal, or another woman.

All of a sudden, the slick slope I was on became very slippery and I began to plan ahead for the time when I could begin to live my dream life as a transgender woman. I began to cherish as much as I could, each interaction which was happening in my new exciting world. I was successful in my new life, and I was loving it. Even the mistakes I still was making became fewer and easier to overlook. Through it all, I had no idea I could make it this far.

Perhaps my final and most potent tipping point came when I started gender affirming hormones. I knew when I started them, there would be no turning back. Even though I felt that way, I was not prepared for all the changes I was going to go through. Of course, I knew and hoped for a rapid increase in my breast size and increased growth of my hair. All of that happened as well as a complete softening of my skin. But most unexpected was the quick change I experienced with my emotions. I went through puberty again, even experiencing my first hot flashes. The bottom line was my life just softened, and I could cry tears of joy and anguish over the life I had left behind. Mainly tears of joy over what I had gained.

Tipping points for me became a way of life. Each one I went through brought me closer to my ultimate goal which I never knew was achievable. It was not until then did I understand how deep my gender issues ran. I needed to go through all the transgender tipping points to learn my lesson. 

  

Master of Myself

Transgender Flag from Lena Balk
on UnSplash. 

Or would have it been proper to say, Mistress of myself?

Probably so, as one way or another, I really struggled to arrive at where I needed to be to achieve my goal of transgender womanhood. Often, I write about how many nights when I came home in tears following being laughed at by an unfeeling public. Looking back now, I have a difficult time wondering what kept me going along my gender path. 

I suppose the little flashes of gender euphoria I experienced kept me going. Such as when I was accepted in malls and clothing stores before I realized all the clerks were seeing was my money, not my gender. Before long, the more experience I put behind me as a cross dresser or novice transgender woman, slowly the path was smoother and the happier I was becoming.

Then there were the small mixers I went to in nearby Columbus, Ohio. When I attended, I was able to see and meet all levels of the LGBTQ community. From admirers to transsexuals to lesbians, they all were there. It was one of the mixers where I was cornered by a much larger crossdresser admirer who was trying to take advantage of me and could have until I was rescued by my second wife. It was also there when I had my first encounter with a curious lesbian, and we left the mixer to visit a bigger lesbian bar. At that point, I was still heavily questioning which way my life would go. What kind of a path was I on and did I control it at all. 

In order to gain control, the only thing I could do was try to gain more and more experience as a transgender woman to learn if I was headed in the right direction with my life. So much was at stake and the pressure was on to make the right decision. In the meantime, I continued to follow my path and learn if I could indeed flip my gender script and attempt to be truly happy for the first time in my life. Perhaps, discovering the truth about myself, would finally provide me the missing link I was seeking. Of course, just dressing to appear as a woman did not solve the problem. As I gained confidence in the world, the world wanted to know more about me. The whole process opened up a whole new range of life opportunities. Such as how was I going to learn to communicate as a woman, all the way to adjusting to a whole new world of passive aggressive women. 

Again, it took a while for me to regain control of my life. Of course, attempting to change genders into my authentic self was a seismic shift in my life. On one hand, my authentic self-felt so natural but on the other, the entire process was so scary. So, I took my time before I started taking gender affirming hormones, so I burned all my gender bridges behind me. Looking back now, I wish I had done it all sooner and taken better control of my life.

I did not however and ended up not transitioning until I was in my sixties. Once I did, there was no looking back and I became the mistress of myself. Finally.  

 

Never a Choice

 

Image from Mika
Baumeister on UnSplash

After all these years I still receive the comment of why I chose to leave my male gender behind and pursue transgender womanhood. 

Ironically, very few people removed from the transgender umbrella understand I never had a choice and spent nearly fifty years figuring it all out. Sure, there were brief moments of gender clarity which somehow, I refused to recognize. Then, as the years rolled by, I kept accumulating male baggage which became more and more difficult to consider leaving behind. Examples would be family, friends and jobs which being masculine depended on success. I was caught between having success as a male in a world I never really wanted. For the longest time, every time I was successful at something as a man, I fantasized if I could do it as a transgender woman. A stop gap measure which in the end just caused me more frustration. 

Plus, eventually, frustration turned into more gender pressure. The whole process turned me into a very self-destructive person. Along the way, I tried to tear down all the male successes I had built up. I drank too much, drove too recklessly and even tried suicide as a final solution to my gender pain. Finally, before it was too late, I realized my error. I never had a gender choice and attempting to live even a partial life as a male was a waste of time.

To make matters worse, I was very stubborn, and I attempted to hang on as long as I could in my transgender world by trying to live partially in both worlds, male and female. Slowly but surely, I discovered I could not continue to live that way. The more I learned about living as a trans woman, the more feasible a complete transition became to me. The whole process took me back to my earliest days cross dressed in front of a mirror at home when I realized I wanted to do so much more than just look feminine. I wanted to be feminine but my upbringing in a male dominated family was throwing up all sorts of roadblocks for my future. So, I learned what most men learn. To internalize my feelings the best I could. Which would lead me too much more serious problems later on in life.

The biggest problem was I was fighting the gender battle of my life. Regardless of what my male self was telling me about maintaining the status quo, sooner more than later I would have to face reality and know my gender was never a choice. I could not rest and enjoy my life until I finally made the ultimate decision. 

One lonely night as I was again pondering my future at the age of sixty, I weighed the benefits of both of the genders I was trying to maintain. In a blinding moment of clarity, I gave up forever any rights I ever had to a male life. 

It was the best decision I had ever made in my life. All of a sudden, this huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. From that point forward I decided to pursue gender affirming hormones and give all my male clothes away. Most importantly, I faced up to the fact I had never been a male except biologically which had nothing to do with my brain. I followed my brain and never looked back. '

Without the gender monkey on my back, I had a chance to live my life my way. The way I never had a choice of and took too long to realize it. 

Survival versus Impostor Syndrome

Conch Shells

 Many times, during my journey into transgender womanhood, I have experienced my fair share of impostor syndrome when I was able to slip in behind the gender curtain.

Most of the time, my fight with impostor syndrome happened early in life when I was first coming out. It was so unfair when I had spent so much time and effort to perfect my feminine presentation, only to be rejected by my own thoughts. The syndrome was especially strong when I was invited to girl's night's outs or used the women's room. 

On our recent vacation trip, I am happy to say, I think the old curse of impostor syndrome went totally away. Since the trip in reality had very few men in relation to women, many times when we ate meals, we ate with other women. I knew I had it made when others asked if we were sisters. Sadly, the overall physical stress of the trip began to take its toll on me. The sicker and weaker I became, the only thing I was trying to do was make it home in one piece. No matter how hard I tried, Covid was stronger and ended up putting me in a hospital in suburban Atlanta for several days, until I could regain my strength and travel again. I have written before how my daughter had to drive down from Ohio to rescue us when there were no rental cars available. 

Again, survival became the priority over worrying about petty issues about what rest room I was going to use. The only time I wavered in deciding what rest room I was going to use was when we stopped at a little seafood place in Florida around the Everglades. There were only two restrooms to use, clearly marked male and female, so the line to the women's room was very long. After a short time, a few brave women began to go ahead and use the men's room, not unlike you are able to see if you go to any major sporting events. I thought long and hard about going ahead and using the male side but ultimately decided it would be a bad idea. Since I did not have to go that bad and did not want to destroy my perfect restroom record which has gone back over a decade, I decided to wait and use the women's room. 

As we waited for our boat tour of the Everglades, we had lunch, and I was able to order a first for me, Conch Fritters. So, I was able to cross another item off my personal bucket list. During lunch, we found a seat at a table with a couple and a very gruff man wearing an Army hat. He did not seem to want to talk much to me and even though I very badly wanted to ask him where he served, I did not. In some ways, impostor syndrome had set in. 

Of course, in the hospital, as I have written about before, pure survival on my part had set in.  All I wanted was to feel better and be discharged. There was no time to be worried about any sort of impostor syndrome at all. In fact, the whole deal I went through made my ancient worries about fitting in seem very petty in comparison. 

So petty, I wonder if I was ever the same person who was so completely into obsessing on my feminine appearance. Perhaps I needed that time in my life to grow into the transgender woman I am today. I was not aware there were going to be multiple transitions as I grew into my authentic self. Being a functional woman meant so much more than just looking like one. There were factors such as developing communication and personality skills also.

Coming Out Day

 

Key Largo Boat Trip

Recently, I have written several times how my daughter rose to the occasion and drove the six plus hours to Atlanta from Ohio to rescue my wife Liz and I when we were stuck after I landed in the hospital and could not finish our bus trip back.

Our plight became increasingly desperate after there were no rental cars available for us to rent for the trip back. 

This is not the first time I have needed to turn to my daughter for help in my life. First and foremost was the time I came out to her as my authentic transgender self. To my surprise, instead of rejecting me, she simply said why was she the last to know. When in fact, she was one of the first family members I had ever tried to explain who I truly was to. She was under the impression her mother, who was/is my first wife knew I was trans. When in fact her mom knew all along, I was a cross dresser but never knew I wanted to pursue our gender issues any further. The only other person my daughter was referring to was my second wife or her stepmother who always rejected any idea of her living with another woman if I transitioned. So, I needed to explain to my kid, she really was the first.

I remember the coming out day so long ago like it was yesterday. Naturally, I was petrified yet secretly excited to tell another person my deepest, darkest secret. I was leading a hidden life all along and never wanted to be male at all. 

Once I blurted out my transgender truth, I felt immediately better. Especially so after I learned of my daughter's enthusiastic and unqualified acceptance of me. She immediately made plans to go shopping with me, which I rejected and then made an appointment for me at her upscale beauty spa for a hair makeover for my birthday. To this day, the appointment she made was one of the most life changing feminine experiences I have ever gone through. Very quickly I learned why cis women everywhere cherish their time with their beauty stylist. 

Now, as my daughter is coming close to finish raising three wonderful kids (including one who is transgender) it seems she is now shifting to care giver mode with several elderly extended family members. Including me of course. I am so fortunate to have Liz to help me also to take most all of the possible burden off of my daughter. 

In the meantime, I can't say enough about how much I appreciate all the help she has given me. I consider myself a very independent person and being a senior transgender woman has put added pressures into my life. This latest bout I fought with Covid has brought me into an increased focus of what is important in my life. My health and the people around me.   

tRumpt Promptly Comes after Us

 

Image from Darren Halstead 
on UnSplash

Of course, one of the first groups of people newly elected president tRumpt came after was transgender women and trans men. He dictated the country under his direction would only recognize two genders, male and female. 

This of course would affect everything from gender markers to passports. For all you transgender people who voiced your support for tRumpt, I wonder what you are thinking now. Perhaps the worst part of all of this is, we are just into day one of his term in office. Dark, troubling times are ahead for the LGBTQ community, especially the transgender portion. Of course, this should come as no major surprise to any rational thinking person.

I wonder what will happen when the new reality sets in with the gay and lesbian sectors of the country who, for the most part, became quite comfortable with their current status in our society. Then again, what will happen with all the active military transgender members who will be affected by all of this. I wonder too, what is going to happen with my Veteran's Administration services. I receive my gender affirming hormones through VA health care. So, I wonder what will happen.

Still, I resent the fact, a number of transgender women I know who voiced their support for the orange menace.

I hope you are satisfied with the price of eggs along with the rest of you. 

Finally, none of this mentioned the overall treatment of women as a whole by the political party ruled by tRumpt. It is also beyond me how any woman, cis or trans could support a party which wants to take their (our) rights away. 

It's too late now, we have billionaires like Musk giving the Nazi salute on stage this week. We are doomed. I am afraid.

The Remainder of the Vacation

 

Hemingway House,
Key West

My wife Liz and I's vacation was wrapped up when my daughter came down from Ohio to Atlanta to pick us up.

We were desperate because we could not find a car to rent anywhere for a one-way trip. We tried four or five of the major leasing agencies with no luck. All of them wanted us to bring the car back to their store after we were done, which naturally did us no good. At this point, my daughter stepped in, took a day off of work and was on the road within hours to pick us up.

The trip from her home in suburban Dayton, Ohio to where we were in Atlanta was a six-and-a-half-hour trip one way. So, it was no small undertaking. Needless to say, the least we could do was pay for her motel room the night before we made the return trip, and the gas needed for the journey.

The main benefit to me, other than being able to return home was I was surrounded by the two most fierce gender allies of my transgender womanhood. I could relax, knowing they would lead the way in case I encountered any gender bigots or transphobes as we traveled through the deep south. Of particular need was access to women's restroom since I was prescribed my Spironolactone again to help reduce the increased swelling in both of my ankles. If you are not aware, Spiro is a diuretic which is a water pill which is also used to decrease testosterone in the body. Since my testosterone levels had been near zero for years, I quit taking the medication. As soon as I started the meds again, very quickly, restrooms became my best friend. 

As luck or experience would have it, I did not have any problems with restrooms at all. Especially, on the trip back when I was wearing a face mask to protect as much as possible, those around me from the dreaded Covid virus. I had forgotten how wearing a mask, precluded almost anyone attacking my authentic self. 

I was fortunate I received the Covid booster when I did, so I caught a lesser level of the disease which could have been very bad for me at my age of seventy-five.  As it is now, I am just now regaining my strength, and my congestion is beginning to lessen. 

Even with all the struggle, I am glad I went along on the trip to the Florida Keys, especially Key West. It was all I had imagined and so much more. It was a very diverse and welcoming place I will never forget. I just wish I had not worried so much about the trip beforehand.   

The Ultimate Gender Challenge?

 

Image from Alexander Simonsen
on UnSplash

As I was in an ambulance on the way to a strange hospital in suburban Atlanta, I was so far out of it that I did not much care about being mis-gendered. I just wanted to feel better. 

All started out well as the EMS ambulance drivers referred to me without fail as Mz. Hart or Jessie. At least their kindness made me feel as if everything would indeed turn out to be OK. Then I thought how being gendered at a medical center has to be unique transgender experience. When you have to face strangers as your most fragile self. 

For a while, I was secure in the fact I would make it through the rank-and-file medical personnel accepted me as a female patient. Until I came to the most intimate point of my admission process. It was the time I needed to strip naked and fitted for an ubiquitous hospital robe. It was then when I was fitted for one of those contraptions to enable me not to wet the bed. It turned out, initially I was given a female version then asked if I wanted a male one which fit me better later on. At that point, it was obvious to me, I was confusing a portion of my nurses and that was where my wife Liz came in. Whenever a nurse refereed to me as he, Liz would promptly correct them. 

Overall, my hospital experience went as well as could be expected. I had reached the point of no return since I had never pursued any sort of gender realignment surgeries for any number of reasons. Including my lack of financial opportunities as well as not having good enough insurance to even think about any major operations. By this time, age had set in, as well as a fairly comfortable lifestyle with a family who accepted my transgender womanhood. Plus, I always had an aversion to pain I could not overcome so I did not even pursue any beard removal work. My lazy way out worked well with close shaves over the years along with the effects of gender affirming hormones, until it didn't. Which deep down I knew I would have to face someday. 

Well, the time was upon me last week during my hospital stay when I was too weak to get out of bed for several days so I could shave. When I was finally released to be discharged by the doctor in charge of my care, the first thing I did was closely shave and apply some light foundation as I brushed out my hair. Needless to say, I could not wait to put my hospital experience behind me. In all fairness, nearly all the hospital staff was nice to us and were intrigued by the fact Liz and I were stuck in Georgia after our bus had to leave us behind. I think they were behind me regaining my strength so I could. 

One way or another, it was an extreme gender learning experience.  

Sisters on Vacation?

 

Liz. Outside of Harpoon Harry's
in Key West.

The first inclination I was being accepted as my authentic feminine self on my vacation came when a few of the other women on the trip began to casually talk to my wife Liz and me. 

Since most women are curious by nature, they started the conversation by asking if we were sisters, which was music to my ears. It was especially meaningful because the bus was heavily populated by farmers from Southeast Indiana. Not known as one of the more liberal places to come from. The cute part came when Liz said we were not sisters but in fact were married. Without fail, the reaction was aloud surprised "Oh!". On a couple occasions Liz had to tell them we were wife and wife. 

Surprisingly to me, the overall reaction was either positive or at the least non-committal. The only half negative reaction I received was from one man and his wife who we ate dinner with one night. Both of them chatted freely with Liz while mostly ignoring me. I got over it easily and even used the women's room after dinner with no problems.

I was very fortunate the entire trip, especially during my time in the Georgia hospital, Liz led the way telling repeatedly everyone my true pronouns. For the most part, on the bus I did not need the help and especially in Key West. I can't say enough about the good time I had there. To start with, of course it is an incredibly diverse place. We were pre-booked on the Conch Train which toured all the sites which helped with my lack of mobility. Included was the Earnest Heminway House which Liz wanted to visit. 

Of course, being the huge Jimmy Buffett fan I always was, we had to visit the Buffett store to add to my t-shirt collection. If you notice to the middle left of the image, you will see one of the handles of the wheeled walker I needed to get around. Sure, it was exhausting but worth it.

Sadly, all the good times which come marked the end of our adventure because little did, I know Covid was waiting on our doorstep to make the rest of our trip a real challenge. 

I'm Back...Mostly

 

Well, my wife Liz and I's vacation to the Florida Keys was eventful, with many unexpected turns.

Since I have quite a bit to write about, I will start at the beginning of our bus trip. As we boarded a nearly empty bus way before dawn in suburban Cincinnati the morning was very cold and clear. From our boarding point, we needed to make two other stops to pick up other passengers for the trip in nearby Northern Kentucky.  Since we were nearly the first on the bus, my paranoia about being the only transgender passenger was calmed, especially since I was under the cover of darkness. 

As daylight came around and the bus filled up, the pressure for me to make a good first impression came with it. I managed to cope with a small mirror I put away into my purse, along with my foundation powder and lipstick. So instant touch ups were within my reach.

Of course, all too soon came the all-important first rest room stop. I stayed very close to Liz as we went in and there were no problems with anyone on the bus, or other strangers who were already coming or going in the women's room. I did my business, washed up and left with no interference which made me feel relieved after all the months of worry I put into thinking of what could happen. 

At this point, our bus driver deserves a strong recommendation for his work in getting us safely through very snowy and icy road conditions we encountered as we made our way south from Ohio. He also was available to help me on and off the bus when needed. 

Long story short, we made it to Georgia and spent the night in Macon. Then off to Orlando for our next stop.  By this time, I could not wait to make it to our staging destination of Key Largo. Then Liz and I began to notice how many people on the bus had bad coughs. Which is a spoiler alert for what happened to me later in the trip and would involve a trip to a hospital in Georgia. 

More on it, plus a very pleasant trip to Key West coming up when I finally begin to feel better, because I caught Covid on the bus. Even though I had been given the booster three months ago. Make of that what you will.

 

 

Vacation Post

 

Image from Johannis Keys
on UnSplash.

The day finally is here before my wife Liz, and I depart for our long-awaited journey to the Florida Keys very early tomorrow morning. So, this will be my last post for approximately ten days. The first time in my history of writing a blog I have missed this much time in over a decade. 

As luck would have it, we are traveling on a charter bus and there are hefty storm warnings for the bus to attempt to out-run when we depart Cincinnati very early Sunday morning. 

Outside of the weather, long term, I have spent quite a bit of time worrying about potential hassles I may receive from a stray transphobe in the group. Magically however, after we packed this morning, my fears began to disappear. As Liz told me, this is not our first trip, and on the other ones, I have had no problems. In addition, I have steeled myself to facing any detractors if I run into them. Confidence in myself is one of my keys to a fun trip. After all, I paid as much as the next person to go on the trip.

After we arrive in the Keys, I am going to do my best to enjoy the brief respite to the Ohio winter and even try swimming for the first time as a transgender woman. Hopefully, this trip will be less physically demanding on me since I have mobility issues. Since the last trip we went on out west to Colorado seemed to leave very little time to relax and enjoy our surroundings before moving on, I was exhausted before we came back. I didn't like it.  Plus, this time, I have made sure I tried to walk as much as I could to build a little stamina. 

I look forward to rechecking back in with you all after we return and hopefully share a few pictures of me with my new short hair cut. 

I'm sure I will go through some sort of withdrawal when I can't write daily but then again, a little break should do me good so I can refocus my efforts. 

Hope to see you then. 

Gender Harmony

 

My friend Racquel and her dog.

When asked when I first realized I had issues with my gender I began to tell the truth and say I had known forever.

In fact, my statements were only partially true. I knew something was wrong with me, but I did not know exactly what. When I was young, I knew how much pleasure I received when I dressed as a girl. What I was lacking was the knowledge of how much harmony I was missing by learning the aspects of living in two genders.

Over a long space in time of nearly fifty years, my male and female selves battled it out, which naturally created huge disruptions in my life. My already frail mental health was in shambles most of the time. Since I had already been diagnosed as being bi-polar by a therapist before, my gender issues seemed to be a bigger problem. In reality, both issues were working together to make my life miserable before I took action and did something about it.

I started with the easier one, my bi-polar condition. After I tried several medications, I found the right ones which I am still taking to this day. The much more difficult of the two issues destroying my inner harmony was my issue with my gender. Had I listened to my first therapist years ago when she told me there was nothing, she could do with me wanting to be a woman, I would have been better off. Maybe I would have been able to relax more with my issues and realize my transition into transgender womanhood was going to be a scary yet exciting journey I should try to relax and enjoy. Rather than fight and destroy my mental health as I did it. Plus, what made matters worse was all the people around me I attempted to make miserable too. Leading my second wife to even consider telling me to be man enough to be a woman. The problem was, back in those days, I did not have the feminine experience yet to do it. So, my miserable life continued.  Any sort of gender harmony seemed to me an impossibility.

During that time, I really set out to seriously discover what measures I would have to take to restore any sort of harmony to my life. Which essentially saved my life after a failed suicide attempt. I found I had to discover harmony or face losing my life totally. 

Initially, I was obsessing on my feminine appearance over any other aspects of being a transgender woman until my trans friend Racquel told me I passed out of sheer will power. Deep down, I knew what she was talking about. I was not and never would be the most attractive woman in the room, unless I could afford the expensive facial femininization surgery. Which I couldn't. It did not matter anyhow, since I had already decided to move forward in the world with the best possible appearance I could put together. 

Long story short, I found my path to a new life and am very fortunate to live as a full-time transgender woman. Racquel went on to several appearance altering surgeries and moved away so I have not seen her for years. I owe her for the honesty she expressed to me concerning my coming out experience. As my wife said too, there was so much more to a woman than just looking like one. Finding harmony with myself, enabled me to find harmony with others. I made friends in my new life and moved on.

Amazing

 

Image from JJ Hart

As I sat and watched a singer do a wonderful rendition of John Lennon's "Imagine" and watched the ball in New York drop to ring in 2025, I had the chance to look back and think about how amazing my life has been.

As in everybody's life, destiny stepped in and took me in directions I never thought possible. The entire process was how I perceive the supposed death experience people have when they die. In other words, they get to see their life pass in front of their eyes. If indeed that does happen, I may have to ask for a little extra time to view all of mine.

Over a long life, I have been so fortunate to experience so many things. Outside the all-encompassing world of gender for me, was when I managed to land a job in the Army with the American Forces Radio and Television Service in Thailand and Germany as a radio disc jockey. To put it into perspective, there were only sixty other troops in the entire Army who did what I did. Since back in those days, we were basically the only connection our listeners had with home, it was a very serious job. 

Once I had served my time of three years and was released from active duty, I needed to take on again my larger issues of gender identity. To do so, I undertook serious research and development. Any time I could such as Halloween parties, I began to explore public reactions to my femininized self. For the most part, people I knew were astounded and I moved on. Perhaps it was my shaved legs which gave me away. Whatever the case, time flew by, and I started to cross dress more and more in the public's eye. Plus, at the same time, I slowly began to perfect my knowledge of fashion, makeup, and hair. I discovered the more I did, the more natural I felt and the more I wanted to do. In no time at all it seemed I was accomplishing tasks such as doing the family grocery shopping as a woman and it felt amazing.

Imagine my surprise when I then discovered I was going through another major gender transition. All of a sudden, I was losing my desire to just look like a woman and I more and more wanted to explore a path to transgender womanhood. Mainly because I was feeling alive and amazing when I did it. Now we all know how difficult a gender transition is for the average human being, and I was no different. I had very few natural feminine characteristics to work with and I had to struggle completely to survive in the life I wanted to live. Especially when I hit what I call the dark period of my life when I lost nearly everyone close to me to death. 

In order to bounce back, amazingly, I was able to rely on my strong inner feminine soul to survive at all. She helped me find my way. During the bounce back period of my life was the time I found a whole new set of women friends to instruct me on how to live my new life. Included in the trio of new friends, was my new wife Liz who I never expected to meet. At my advanced age of sixty plus, I would never find another person to be close to the rest of my life. Especially since I carried so much gender baggage with me. At the time, I still maintained one tentative foot in the male world, until Liz told me she did not see any male in me at all and what was I waiting for. Go ahead and fully transition. I was amazed and still am since it was over thirteen years ago when our relationship happened and is still going on strong today. 

The end result of watching the ball drop to welcome the scary year of 2025 was I have been so fortunate to have led an amazing life so far. Mainly because destiny has been on my side, and I have lived long enough to accept it.  

Happy? New Year???

 

Image from Kateryna 
on UnSplash.

Well, I was preparing in my mind last night to write my usual semi-positive post concerning the new year which is here...but.

When I awoke this morning, all was changed when I heard of and watched the news coverage of the terrible disaster in New Orleans. If you are not familiar, at least ten people were killed and thirty injured when a driver drove around barriers and crashed into a crowded Bourbon Street full of innocent people.  

Needless to say, any ideas I had about making resolutions for the new year such as coming out of a dark closet seemed to be pointless. I have always believed making a new year's resolution to live as your authentic feminine self-more than you ever have before is an honorable choice to begin a new year. I know also, many of you may have thought about pausing your gender transition because of the possibility of problems which might occur with the incoming administration.

Whatever you decide to do, please be safe doing it and do your best to have a happy new year. 

    

Dream On

 

Image from Darius Bashar
on UnSplash.

Last night I had a dream which may have signaled my subconscious mind has finally caught up with my reality. 

For the longest time, since I transitioned into transgender womanhood over a decade ago, I wondered why my dreams still had me as a man. All the way to people using my dead name with me. I woke up frustrated it was even happening at all. When I was very young, all the way to my teen years, I cherished the nights I could fall asleep and dream of being an attractive girl. Of course, when I woke up, I was very disappointed to learn I was still stuck in my same old male world. 

Years passed by and I proceeded to work very hard to resolve my gender issues but still had the same old male dreams. Who would have thought it would be this difficult to change me completely, including my subconscious dream world. For some reason, last night, the dream switch was flipped. As I said, even to the point of the world using my legal feminine name I changed years ago when I journeyed out of the closet.

Maybe the dream was reflecting all the tension I am feeling on my wife Liz and I's upcoming trip to the Florida Keys. Since it is a bus trip from Ohio, we will be traveling through several states not known for easily providing rest room privileges to transgender women. Not to mention, the possibility of encountering a stray transphobic gender bigot on the bus itself. Liz keeps telling me I am overreacting and just being paranoic. I hope she is right. Maybe last night's dream was a higher power telling me to relax and enjoy the vacation. 

Regardless, I am going to take a ten-day break from writing during our trip. It will be coming up this weekend and will give me a chance to refresh and start all over again when we return back to Ohio. 

During my vacation and beyond, it will be interesting to find out if my dream world has reached the tipping point to my authentic feminine self. Perhaps it is unrealistic of me to think ten plus years of trans womanhood could overcome nearly sixty years of living as a man in my subconscious mind. The whole process isn't the most trying problem I have to conquer. But it would be good if I could. Even in a dream world, I still do not like to be referred to as my old male name or be back living in a male world at all. 

Total erasure of my past is my goal. Although I cannot ignore all work my guy self-put into our life to set me up for success as a transgender woman, it is still a process I feel I need to complete. In the meantime, I know dreaming is a natural part of life. Now I can hopefully relax and look forward to a good night of sleep in my authentic world.  

I Never Felt so Alive

Image from JJ Hart

 
One of the main reasons I found my way into transgender womanhood was when I was exploring the lifestyle of a trans woman, I never felt so alive.

It all started when I resolved one night to change my basic mind set from just thinking I was a part time cross dresser all the way to considering changing my mind all-together to I was a woman pretending to be a man, and I was so tired of feeling that way. All of my new thoughts centering on my gender led me to what I came to consider as my second grand gender transition on the night I went out to a venue to blend in with all the other professional women who were getting off of work. The difference was I did not just want to blend in, I wanted to be them. Even though I was petrified of what I was attempting, I made it through and even was accepted by all I encountered. 

The bottom line was I never felt so alive in my life and knew my life had changed forever. The problem was, in those days, I had serious male baggage to deal with. Similar to many of you, I had a spouse, family and good job to think about even though dealing with them as a male was pulling me down. Regardless, I kept on fighting and learning more and more about the femininized life I was considering undertaking. I was naive and thought I had achieved my goal of learning everything I could about living as a woman when I was just starting my path. I put all those years of just thinking my life would be just one of appearance. As my wife kept trying to tell me, I had a long way to go to learn what the life of a woman was all about. She was right, and I resolved myself to find out what she meant. 

Primarily, what I learned was a woman's life was very layered and difficult to experience because finding women who were willing to allow me behind the gender curtain were difficult to find. I was left to learn it all by myself until I reached a certain level of transition. In other words, I needed to pay my gender dues until I earned my path to the girl's sandbox. Often the route was bumpy, rough, and unforgiving but I lived and learned. Even though (as I always mention) I found friends to help me, I needed to basically keep my mouth shut and observe how the world around me was going about their everyday lives behind the gender curtain as women. 

Through it all, I continued to feel more alive than I had ever felt before as a male. I can compare the process to being guided by a searchlight in a gender fog which was my gender dysphoria. Call it gender euphoria or whatever, I could not wait until I could take the next step towards a complete life as a transgender woman. 

Pain

Image from Tony Frost
on UnSplash

Looking back, I don't think I write enough about the pain I felt during my life which was closely related to my gender issues. 

First of all, I was living in a world where nothing was ever as it seemed. Life had wedged me into living a male pattern I never felt a part of, and I could not escape. One of the problems was I was privileged in so many ways and was told constantly about it. After all, I was white, middle classed male child and all I needed to do was find a way to fit in. The pain was considerable when I learned I just couldn't. I did not have a choice, all I really wanted to do was be a girl.

Much later in life, when information began to become more available, my problem began to be known as gender dysphoria. Having a term was good enough but did nothing to relieve my pain. The only cure was to cross dress in front of the mirror and try to imagine how it would be to be a girl. I was successful in blissfully thinking I was headed in the right direction, until I started to head out of my closet and explore the world. When I did, the public took the mirror's place, and I was judged (sometimes very harshly) by an unforgiving world. Unless you happen to be a natural as a transitioning male to female person, perhaps you have been in the same circumstance of having to learn to present well as a woman. At times, the entire journey I was on seemed to be a steep insurmountable path. 

Still, I learned from the days and nights of pain I endured and kept on trying to improve my feminine presentation. My tears finally subsided, and gender euphoria set in. Maybe I could achieve my dreams of transgender womanhood. What I did not realize was how far I still needed to go. No matter how far along I thought I was with my makeup, hair and fashion, there were still hurdles to jump with communication and interaction in the real world as a trans woman. Plus, there was the very painful life I was leading as two genders when I needed to hide what I was doing from my unaccepting second wife. I always considered myself a very honest person, so being dishonest with her about my truth caused me great sorrow and pain but at that point I could not turn back.

Before I knew it, she passed away and a new pain such I had never known set into my life. It seemed I learned again how death was forever, and loneliness would follow. What I did not realize was how life could go full circle if you are fortunate enough to live long enough as I was. Slowly but surely, the fleeting wisdom of age taught me life offered both joy and pain along the way. It just so happened in my life; gender played a very important part. 

Also, life taught me feeling gender dysphoria or pain helped me to appreciate gender euphoria or joy even more. Regardless, I need to point out my gender journey was never easy and required my utmost attention. So, I could survive all of my pain.  

I Never Felt at Home

 

Image from JJ Hart

Rarely, every now and then someone asks me when I knew I had gender issues. 

The answer I give everyone is I knew forever there was something wrong with me. I just did not know what. Plus, by the time I realized what was wrong, I felt as if I was alone in the world with my gender issues. I was very confused. As I grew through my teen years, I knew I wanted to be a girl but just did not see a path forward. 

Through it all, I kept searching for answers. I knew for certain I felt elated and natural when I cross dressed as a girl and never quite felt at home when I was with a group of males. I felt as if I was an outsider looking in. 

The older I became, the better I was at hiding my feelings. I tried my best to do all the usual male activities such as playing sports and working on cars. I played the male game well to hide my inner most feminine feelings but all along still felt like an intruder. It wasn't until I began to seriously explore my transgender womanhood did, I finally learned the truth, I was not meant to live a male life at all. As I recently wrote, I was stuck in some sort of a gender never-never land I was destined to never escape. I spent too much time pitying myself and playing the gender victim before I stepped up to face my problems.

In the meantime, the biggest problem I faced was deciding what to do with the increasingly immense amount of male baggage I was accumulating. After being discharged from the Army and finishing my second college degree, we added my daughter to the family, and I suddenly needed to become serious about beginning a career which I could support a family on. Then came the route I followed to a successful job I would probably have to give up if I transitioned to a transgender woman. As I advanced up the corporate ladder, at all the macho leaning meetings I needed to attend, I still felt completely out of place. No matter how successful I was.

Then there was the biggest piece of baggage of all which was my second wife. Although, she knew from day one I was a cross dresser, she drew a line in the sand when it came to any idea at all I was transgender and wanted to begin gender affirming hormones. She and my male self-formed a formidable pair when it came to any idea of me going any further towards transgender womanhood. When she unexpectedly passed away at the age of fifty from a massive heart attack, my male self-lost his strongest supporter and he just faded quickly away.

At the same time, I was building a new set of friends who happened to be women and lesbian and I had never felt so at home in my life. They embraced me for my authentic self while at the same time I relaxed and learned so much about womanhood from them. I never thought possible, life would ever be so fulfilling again since I was already sixty. It was well over a decade now and during the same period I met my current wife, Liz. 

Feeling at home for the first time in my life was the best possible feeling I could ever have. 

Creative Gender Tensions?

 

Image from Levi Stute
on UnSplash

As I moved along my long and bumpy gender path, seemingly I created many gender tensions which were overblown or not needed at all.

It all started innocently enough when I first caught a glimpse of myself for the first time wearing makeup and a dress in the family's full length hallway mirror. Immediately, I knew I was hooked and could not wait to cross dress again for my own personal pleasure and delight. Sadly, the gender tension began when I could not dress again for a while. All of it sometimes became unbearable when I woke up in the morning not knowing if I wanted to be the boy I had always been, or the girl I was increasingly wanting to be. To say the least, life was very confusing, and I felt I had to be the only person in the world dealing with the same gender issues.

In the pre-internet years (along with social media), I was in the so-called dark ages of information. I had very little in the way of outside information to guide me along or challenge the many new ideas I was considering when it came to my gender life. Everything was out of focus including my sexuality. Did I like girls at all or did I just want to be one. The tension was real but still I kept struggling along trying to be the best male bodied person I could be. 

Then the internet came along and with it, my life was changed forever. Once we could afford a computer, suddenly I found how un-alone I was and how many others there were in the world with similar gender issues to mine. Of course, I was just not content to read about others, I needed to try to interact. I became involved with several early chat rooms which eventually were discovered by my second wife when she learned how to search my browsing history. Even though the great majority of the people I chatted with were not geographically close to me, I found one who was. In fact, he was within fifty miles, so a meeting was certainly possible. That was until my wife found out and an all-new battle broke out over the control of the computer. Until I learned more about erasing my history on the computer, I needed to stay off of it. Which created a new set of gender tensions. 

Living with my tensions became second nature over the years. I followed the same old up and down patterns of being up when I cross dressed, to being down when I was forced back into my male life. I rode the edge of a double-edged sword for years until I finally decided to face the truth about myself and be me. Still, it took me years of careful exploration of my transgender womanhood before I cautiously decided I was on the right path. Once I did, much of my gender tension disappeared and I knew I was making the right move for a change. All that was left was to make the crucial decisions about who I was coming out to and when.  When I did come out, I was met with approval from my daughter and rejection from my brother, so I suppose it could have been better or worse. I still had immediate family when I did it which decreased my tension along with providing me extra confidence in myself, I never had known before. 

By now, perhaps you are wondering where the creative portion of all of this comes in. All the time when I was traveling my gender path to transgender womanhood, there were many chances to zig when I should have zagged, and I ran into problems I needed to get out of. Mostly trying to navigate the problem of expressing my new transgender self while still being involved in a committed relationship. All I can say is somehow I survived and made it to my new life as a trans woman. 

When I did, my tension went away, and I was able to live a life free of gender problems which had plagued me my entire life. The relief was real. 

Transgender Procrastination

 

Image from JJ Hart

During my life, I have developed with an excessive amount of procrastination. Who knows, maybe it started when I put off doing my homework until the last minute. Later on, I began to connect the dots to me pursuing a life as a transgender woman. In other words, why did it take me over a half century to finally decide to leave my male life behind and the confines of my dark gender closet.

The easy answer is I kept putting off what I did not understand or want to face about myself by cross dressing my life away. To be certain, it was a series of stop-gap measures designed to help me survive life at all. When I was able to cross dress in front of the mirror or later at transvestite mixers I attended to see for the first time, others who perhaps shared the same gender views as I did. Ironically, I found I was wrong as I found most of the others at the parties were still a bit (or a lot) different than me. I did not quite fit in with the transsexuals or the cross dressers who were seemingly still stuck with their male selves which they were still attempting to deny. 

Still, I survived and slowly began to carve out my own life on my own terms as a transgender woman. Of course, even then, I still was the mistress of procrastination. Increasingly as I began too seriously explore the world as a transgender woman, I could not procrastinate any further. The result was I needed to merge my conflicting genders the best I could. The holidays proved to be the best time for me to try to do it. 

I have already written about my adventures shopping for my second wife when it came to buying her a matching oak bookcase and my time shopping for the perfect garden accessory. As I have promised in the past, I have not written yet about my times searching the antique malls for the perfect vintage gift for my wife. The added benefit was I could complete my Christmas shopping as a woman.

It just so happens, one of the largest antiques malls in the Midwest where I lived was located in my hometown. It gave me extra time to shop since I did not have to drive far to get there to the mall. I had several favorite things to do once I arrived and made a last second check of my hair and makeup in the car mirror and went on in. The benefit of vintage shopping for my wife was at the same time I could admire myself in one of the many available mirrors of the vintage furniture for sale. 

The furniture was not in my budget but items such as vintage seed boxes were. In fact, during those days, the seed boxes were a hot item for gardeners everywhere, so they were pricey. Still, I persisted until I was lucky to find one from another company, she did not have in my price range. The other benefit of shopping in the antique malls was I could really relax and enjoy the experience. Back then, the feeling of my feminine clothes and the interaction I was having with the public was so new and exciting. Plus, I could not wait to see the look on my wife's face when she opened the gifts I found for her. Back in those days, we had three Christmas gift celebrations. Two with each of our families and one just between ourselves. The giving of gifts between us always came last and always included the gift or gifts she reserved for my feminine self. 

My procrastination always extended to shopping at the last minute. As a trans woman or not. Perhaps I was addicted to the excitement of waiting until the last minute to find and give the perfect gift. All tempered by the fact I was shopping as my true self.

All of the experience added to me not waiting any longer and finally deciding to take a huge weight off my shoulders and do the right thing. Quit trying to live a lie as a man and begin a new life as a transgender woman. Facing my truth led to the end of my gender procrastination.